GRIEF AND SHAME #4

We are responsible for but are not our actions.

We need to admit when necessary to our unskillfulness. Forgiveness of self and the other and asking forgiveness will usually take care of Remorse and Guilt but,

ongoing Self Condemnation/Recrimination/Deprecation and Shame may result in soul sickness or even soul loss and require much more help.

"Shame is the swampland of the soul." C.G. Jung

Shame is about feeling bad about who we are. If associated with humiliation it can create self-disgust, 'I am bad, I am no good for anyone, I am the mistake.' Shame can be a crippling emotional force where the soul splits from the body.

 This can occur early in childhood from a dysfunctional home.

A similar dynamic can occur in adulthood in the home or outside of it. The dysfunction in childhood is often only confronted and dealt with later in life. 

Some degree of Shame is said to occur in at least 50% of people.

Early on it can be due to humiliation of a child, often associated with severe abuse; Sexual, Physical, Emotional/Verbal, or Emotional Voyeurism.

Having a loving, caring caregiver in the early stages of childhood that makes the child feel safe, secure, seen, soothed and heard is essential (Attachment Theory.) This stands in contrast to an ongoing disgust for a child which causes shame and humiliation.

Core or Toxic shame occurs when a child is continually put down as in as... 

you are no good to anyone or for anything! 

The child comes to believe they are the mistake and were born a mistake. This dynamic can develop even before language begins due to a lack of love and bonding. The parent or caregiver may even say or make the child feel, that they were never wanted in the first place.

 These caregiver rarely have any self awareness. They may demand perfection and obedience - no mistakes are allowed. They may rationalize that they are providing for a nuisance who would otherwise be on the street but for them.

The child feels abandoned, isolated and disconnected and in a continual survival mode from fear.

Abandonment can also be due to the child being forced to take care of the caregiver's emotional needs.

To protect themselves from being scrutinized by others and social services the caregiver may demand that the child puts on a happy face and threaten them if they speak out to anyone. The child, fearing that their survival is at stake, complies.

"The sins of the fathers and mothers (and grandfathers and grandmothers) are visited upon the children..."

In many families it is often multigenerational and kept secret. 

The child of an alcoholic parent may eventually become an alcoholic or the abused may become the abuser. The victim becomes the perpetrator.

"If we do not ttransform our pain we will most assuredly tramsmit it." Richard Rohr

The child and later the adult may overact to give an appearance of normalcy. Two personas may develop, a public and a private one.

Anger due to lack of self worth can become projected inwards with self deprecation, or outwardly as blame and judgment. There may be toxic emotions such as malice, anger, rage, hatred, envy and the impulse to harm themselves or others.

Self-Condemnation not only inhibits spiritual transformation but if the abused has no self-worth and gets sick a belief that s/he does not deserve to be well can creep in. This can cripple the Inner Healer which is part of the soul.

"Malice sucks up the greater part of her own venom and poisons herself." Montaigne

 

Abuse may cause emotional shut down, causing mood disorders, "dis"-ease and even disease as well as self-mutilation as in, 'I am not ok!'

The numbness can result in addiction, to fill the emptiness inside. 

In the case of sexual abuse excessive eating may help the victim to escape being sexually less appealing. Alternatively the abuse may eventually be acted out as promiscuity.

 

GRIEF #3

REGRET, REMORSE, GUILT AND SHAME

Its useful to look at semantics to help assign the level of grief we may be experiencing.

REGRET

means we wish we had done things differently.

A criminal may have regrets about being caught but has no remorse. S/he regrets only that he did not succeed.

We say 'regrets' when it comes to invitations but may not have even cared to attend the event.

Regret is about oneself and may not be associated with remorse or with grief.

REMORSE

is usually about what we have done to another and can be severe. It may create guilt which causes more suffering.

Remorse should inspire an apology and restitution. It should be sincere and come from the heart in order to restore the soul to its rightful place.

Hopefully it should move one not to repeat something similar in the future.

GUILT

implies one did something wrong but you yourself may,

or may not be bad. It can be associated with regret or remorse. Remorse should require reconciliation to try and correct the wrong.

To err is human, to forgive Divine.

When we consider forgiveness it must first begin with forgiving oneself. God/Jesus will forgive us for anything we have done to the Self made in His image. However, if we have wronged another this will require asking them for forgiveness.

Guilt can lead to shame as can Self-Condemnation and Self-recrimination where shame can take over. Guilt and especially shame can result in a higher level of grief and suffering. Shame can cause soul sickness or even soul loss. Shame especially, and sometimes guilt, can make us believe that we are bad.

Regret and remorse are not about feeling that you are bad, only that your actions were unskillful.

We are responsible for but are not our actions.

"Self-condemnation strengthens guilt which is one of the greatest impediments on the path to enlightenment." Yoga wisdom

Belief that one is bad and belief that one is out of control

makes one more so!

One should not magnify. Guilt can turn into shame.

Guilt and less commonly shame can helps us self correct but otherwise they will dibilitate.

It is much harder to forgive oneself when there is shame.

"Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is 'split' by contrast in guilt the self is unified." J. L. Herman

If Herman is talking about the small self or ego that is true but not if he means the Higher Self or Soul. The soul is always unified and pure as is the breath which comes from the Creator. We are all constantly being animated by the breath of the Creator and have the potential to attain a level of purity.

When there is shame the soul, which is pure, can separate from the impure body causing soul sickness or even soul loss. This happens when our Ego or self-cherishing subordinates the Higher Self, our Evil Inclination or Shadow overcomes our Good Inclination and when Monkey Mind dominates Big Mind. Tricksters and our Guides also have a hand in which will prevail.

Self-condemnation, Self-recrimination go beyond Regret, Remorse and Guilt and may mean 

we may feel bad about who we are.  

This is where Shame can step in. Shame can be a crippling emotional force. This can lead to a downward spiral and can be reflected in the body's facial expression; a lowered head, downcast eyes, changes in the voice and a slack posture.  

If it is associated with humiliation it can be more toxic to the soul. The Sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for Fight or Flight can now go into override and submit to Freeze or Feign Death.

 GRIEF # 2

"S/He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness." Alexandra Dumas

Grief has many faces; suffering, pain, sorrow, hopelessness, despair, resignation, detachment, depression ... all fear based.

“Fear can be a friend if it alerts, warns, and yes, tempts, thus testing one's resolve. It is a magician in conjuring up all manner of images.

What we do not reason with or dismiss become their own reality. Fear conquers when we let its possibilities project as realities directing and controlling our actions and decisions.” Hillel

Seven Things That Will Destroy Us

Wealth without work

Pleasure without conscience

Knowledge without character

Commerce without morality

Science without humanity

Worship without sacrifice

Politics without principle  

Mahatma Gandhi

Grief, sorrow and suffering are excessive manifestations of fear. With all that is happening on the planet including the drastic earth changes, war and the fear of a nuclear holocaust, it seems that many, including our leaders, have lost their moral compass. Greed is not only condoned but praised and even sort after, especially by those in power. For the rest of us it may be an attempt to help find a measure of control in a crazy world. Since Covid and the resulting isolation, a form of PTSD has developed where there is a sense of being alone in a hostile world.

"The greatest pain on earth is not the pain of poverty and hunger but the feeling of isolation." Mother Theresa

This is why incarcerations involving hard core criminals sometimes permit isolation as the ultimate punishment.

The Law of Three concerning survival (rough approximations) supports this. You can live; 3 minutes without oxygen, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food

and 3 months without the benefits of any human company.

"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either." Unknown

We need to be kind and help more folks than only just occasionally when our mood feels generous. The more we focus on ourselves the more miserable we become. This is not a moral judgment but a spiritual principle built as a default into the soul. The more we give to others, the happier we are.

"If if I am not for myself then who will be for me

(self-care first and foremost, so that we can be more for others.)

but

If I am only for myself then what am I? ..."

Grieving properly is key to finding balance and equanimity. This requires a measure of vulnerability.

 "I was never asked ' Arent you finished grieving yet?' Rather they would say - have you grieved enough? Have you cried enough? ..."  Sobomfu Some'

Crying is healthful  and like laughing increases endorphins. Some', a writer and teacher from Burkina Faso said that one of the reasons she had come to the West was to help us navigate grief. In her homeland grief was best handled in community which offered more to the individual than they could do alone. The sum of the parts was greater than the whole. Through validation, acknowledgement and witnessing a more profound embodiment of grieving could occur.

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love. It is the prerogative of the brave." M.Gandhi

The courage to be imperfect creates self-compassion and healing. To be vulnerable is to be brave and empathetic to oneself and to others. Vulnerability is key to the grieving process. Those that tend to be invulnerable and 'tough' are usually individualistic and tend to live in duality (you are there and I am out here.) The vulnerable person is more likely to recognize the fragility and oneness in all of us.

"We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea and we owe each other a terrible loyalty." G.K. Chesterton

Vulnerability is crucial for grieving. This is difficult in our society where vulnerability is regarded as weakness when in fact it is strength and courage. Vulnerability depends on trust and surrender.

As much as I love Paul Simon's songs I must disagree with this song's mantra...

"I am a rock, I am an island, and a rock feels no pain and an island never cries."

These words reinforce the idea of isolation, alienation and self-preservation where we may cut ourselves off from the world to prevent heartbreak. Covid may have done this to many and now is being aggravated because of what is happening on the planet.

A study was done where two comparable groups of volunteers were instructed to immerse their arms into buckets of iced water. They were timed as to which group could bear the pain the longest. The first group were told to deny the pain, to push it away, to defeat it. The second group was told to experience the pain, to try and become one with it, to be in the flow with it. At the end of the experiment the second group lasted the longest.

What you resist will persist, what you defeat defeats you, what you destroy destroys you. What you sanctify sanctifies you.

The route to God is through the senses. From my flesh will I experience the Creator.

If we are to find equanimity it is best that we attend to the 'boat' we are navigating down the river of life. We need to take care of our bodies to the best of our bodies' capabilities. Grief and its imprints can be imbedded in the body. These need to be expelled.

"If the head and the body are to be well one begins by curing the soul." Plato

However, sometimes one has to begin with the body. Somatic Psychology dictates that we also attend to our bodies. Our pain often becomes embodied. Bodily oriented spiritual practices can help us get rid of negative physical impressions.

LEARNED HELPLESSNESS

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." W. Churchill

Optimists do better in life that pessimists. They are happier and achieve more. Pessimists are more frequently correct. The optimist who fails, however, will usually begin again and carry on undaunted.

Martin Seligman, describes his stages of Learned Helplessness. These can occur due to repeated exposure to uncontrollable negative events. This lack of control will eventually cause us to stop trying to escape because it seems futile. He divides the stages into the three P's where we learn to adapt to the pain. This passivity may cause more severe manifestations of grief resulting in resignation and detachment.

These are the stages.

Personalization - its all my fault. It always happens just to me.

Pervasiveness - it ruins everything positive in my life.

Permanent - it's never ending.

Research has shown that passivity can be an innate, unlearned response to negative events that manifests after prolonged stress.

This appears to be a helplessness or over-pessimistic style of response as opposed to a more optimistic style of resilience.

The optimist will believe that external factors are also in play.

Its temporary - this too will pass.

Its not pervasive or permanent - its a one off experience and only a single aspect of life is affected.

According to Seligman learned helplessness can be remedied by using cognitive, behavioral techniques through which one can rebuild a sense of control and self-worth.

 

 GRIEF #1

Bumper sticker wisdom; shit happens !

Taoism - shit happened

Buddhism - if shit happens it isn't really shit

Hinduism - this shit has happened before

Islam - if shit happens it is the will of Allah

Catholicism - shit happens because you deserve it

Judaism - why does shit always happen to us?

We need to turn the shit into manure.

Throughout the ages ancient wisdom has acknowledged the importance and benefits of things negative.

"... In the sweat of your face will you eat bread, until you return to the ground;  out of it you were taken: for dust you are, and to dust you will return." Genesis 

From the time of creation and the Big Bang it has been implicit that there could be no Sacred without Profane, no Positive without Negative, no Light without Dark, no Good without Evil.

"Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth - look at the dying man's struggle at his last extremity and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus could be intended for enjoyment." Kierkegaard

However, the Ancestors teach that we are not made for brokenness and sorrow but for wholeness and joy. Happiness is a choice and it requires being proactive. We have to search for happiness in the dark times within hidden recesses as well as our spiritual resources.

Shed and shie away from what keeps the soul from joy.

If it was not for this play of light and dark life would be insipid - like spiritual diabetes. Everything is a test of our spiritual fortitude.

The truth of suffering,…of the cause of suffering,… of the end of suffering,…and the truth of the path that leads to its end. The Four Noble Truths of the Buddha

Buddhism has remedies for our suffering as do other spiritual traditions.

Pain, Grief, Sorrow ... are a vital a part of the human condition.

"The soul has no rainbow if the eyes have no tears." Native American proverb

Its not what happens to us but what we do with it that counts. Everything is a karmic test.

"Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you."  

"Its all about innocence, joy and sorrow."

Rashi

In other words, trying to maintain a childlike innocence and equanimity in the face of it all. The Dalai Lama seems to have mastered this as have other enlightened beings. For most of us it can be more difficult.

"The wound carries the medicine."  African proverb

Pain is in inevitable, suffering optional.

"Savor! Give yourselves to savoring, even the doubting, even the struggling. Savor it all. You are only to savor it to be worthy of it. It is the way of actualizing." Father Toomey

It's hard to savor the hardships we face but it can be a part of our inner work. Bodhisattvas consider hardship a test of their spiritual practice. Consider pain, grist for the mill. There can be no growth without conflict. We require tension for a measure of perfection.

The Phoenix can rise out of the ashes. Those who have emerged successfully from the bottom of a pit of sorrow will often be more spiritually powerful than those who have been fortunate enought not to have been there. We need to take our suffering and make something useful out of it.

“It must be a poor life that achieves freedom from fear.” Aldo Leopold

There are only two feelings; love and fear. Which one will dominate is a choice. Spiritual transformation is about how we manage fear in our lives. Fear has many faces and comes in a multitude of deceptive guises. How we handle fear can be karmically positive. Embracing love is more powerful but more difficult than submitting to fear.

"Fear not loving while you have a chance. Fear becoming bitter. Fear cynicism. Fear turning to stone. Fear being underwhelmed by everything.

Be fearful and bless others. Be fearful and be merciful. Be fearful and forgive. Be fearful and do. Be fearful and love." Pinkola Estes

Fear is part of the Hero/ine's journey. It requires courage. Courage is to act in the face of fear. If there is no fear, there can be no courage.

“You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path..."


 "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." Joseph Campbell

Striving for perfection can be a recipe for misery. There is always a sufficiency of excellence unto itself. True perfection is an impossible goal.

“… don't think this transformation is about having the perfect life or the perfect job or the perfect mate or the perfect marriage or the perfect friendship. This is not about perfection.; it is about wholeness. It is not about having things exactly as we want them, but about having things exactly as they are. When we allow things to be, a sense of harmony develops…”  Adyashanti 

The mind must mind what the mind minds best.

Which mind do we embrace? Monkey or Survival Mind, linked to the Sympathetic nervous system and our Flight, Fight, Freeze or Fain Death response - or Big Mind connected to our Higher Consciousness, creativity, the Field and a Parasympathetic relaxation response.

“Golden verses of Pythagoras speak of storms coming and going. The wise person like the good sailor, knows how to rid them. Unknown 

S/he who sees life as a process of spiritual perfection

 does not fear external events. Tolstoy

"Yield and overcome. Bend and be straight. Empty and be full. Wear out and be new. Have little and gain. Have much and be confused”  Lao Tsu