GRIEF & SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION # 8

The Ancestors

The opposite or the antidote to grief is happiness so it is worthwhile looking at  Daniel Kahneman who won the Noble prize for his research in relation to 

THE REMEMBERING SELF  and

THE EXPERIENCING SELF

JOY IS A SENSORY, IN THE MOMENT, EXUBERANT EXPERIENCE. 
HAPPINESS - MORE  AN EVALUATION OF THE PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE AND HOW THAT FEELS.
It is the Experiencing Self that experiences true Joy - the Remembering Self can be more one of Happiness. 
The figure summaries my understanding of these two Selves. It is the Experiencing Self that has joy or happiness and that occurs in the present moment. Some folks seem to have a lower threshold for this than others and tend to be more joyful. This "Reset Point" may be in our D.N.A. but also relates to how we cope with stress resulting out of our experiences. Someone who has endogenous depression will have a different Reset Point or maybe none at all.

The Remembering Self on the other hand develops more of a "Synthetic" happiness that comes out of the memories of their life path and their fate - good or bad and what they did with the cards they were dealt. This has to do with many factors, including financial security and their successes having met their goals.
The Remembering Self is about our story.

When I left South Africa in 1975, I had an unhappy two years when I first arrived in California, trying to adjust to the culture. Though seemingly similar  in terms of climate and language it was completely different to what I had left behind. I actually even thought of returning but for political reasons thought better of it. My Experiencing Self was stimulated by the challenges and grateful for being where I was but not really happy. My Remembering Self only recalled the good times back home. With time I adapted and my Remembering Self became happy for the move. My rational mind adjusted my happiness Reset button and created a Synthetic happiness especially when I chose to recall the evils of Apartheid and the dark sides of living in South Africa. Even when I went back for my African "fix," and I immersed myself in the bush in my old ways of being, this no longer worked for me. I was happy to be in California but it was only later when I developed my love for California that my Experiencing Self began to manifest joy.

ONE ASPECT OF THE EXPERIENCE CAN SPOIL EVERYTHING AND THAT IS WHAT IS REMEMBERED!

According to Kahneman the key to the Remembering Self will depend on 
what happened last.
He gives a medical example of two groups having the same procedure that were studied prospectively. The one had a longer procedure so that one would expect their memory to be worse than the group with the shorter one. However, the shorter group ended off with a painful episode (that the longer group also had experienced but earlier on) and this minimized the fact that the procedure was shorter. 
This is relevant to remedying grief because a poor experience 
can also be superseded by a good one and that will be held in one's memory.

The Ancestors teach; 

"be careful of what you taste and where you immerse."

The Ancestors

This has tremendous relevance in terms of keeping ourselves exposed to positive and light vibrations.

TIME IS KEY HERE 
i.e. TO REDEEM THE EXPERIENCE BY IMPROVING IT IN THE TIME AFTER. 

 Kahneman states that money doesn't buy happiness but poverty (in the U.S.A. having less than $60.000 per year) creates misery. Being poor can be superseded in children by a regular routine, love and care and reading bed time stories (so that the end of the day is completed by a happy encounter.)

Perceptions change with loving care.

SUCCESS AND WORK = the Remembering Self

PLAY = the Experiencing Self

Keeping our mouths shut = a good idea

Of all the things one can do, the most important is spiritual practice. It stimulates our Parasympathetic nervous system, (also endorphins, serotonin, oxytocin) and allows us to subordinate Monkey or Narrow Mind to Spacious Mind. Breath work is a quick and easy way to do this especially the exhalation phase which stimulates the Parasympathetic Relaxation Response, increasing our threshold for stress.

In Yoga

UJJHAI or the VICTORIOUS

breath technique which sounds like waves of the ocean, prolongs the exhalation phase. If you are interested look it up on line. It is easy to master and establishes equanimity very quickly.

The idea is to elevate our threshold for stress by subordination our  Sympathetic and default Monkey Mind to Parasympathetic and Spacious (or Big) Mind overtones.

"If the head and the body are to be well one begins by curing the soul." Plato

However, sometimes one has to begin with the body. Somatic Psychology dictates that we also attend to our bodies.

Descartes said;

"I think therefore I am."

However, it may be more accurate to say,

 I feel therefore I am!

The Ancestors

The Ancestors stress the importance of sensory meditations.

This accounts for the popularity of yoga in the West for stress busting even if not for spiritual transformation. 

Taoism - shit happened

Buddhism - if shit happens it isn't really shit

Hinduism - this shit has happened before

Islam - if shit happens it is the will of Allah

Catholicism - shit happens because you deserve it

Judaism - why does shit always happen to us?

etc...

We need to take the shit and turn it into manure. Helping others is the easiest way to do this. As the Buddhists say; 

"take your suffering and make something useful out of it."

With the help of inner practices, sensory, or otherwise we can more easily get beyond the shit and EMBODY these wisdoms below.

The Ancestors

The Ancestors

Our guides and ancestors and the Great Spirit can comfort us too.

I highly recommend a Spirit Guide practice (there is a D.V.D. at davidcumes.com on this - Connecting with Spirit Guides. If you like ...

VIEW: Connecting with Spirit Guides and Ancestors)

-_MP3s/03_Wings_of_Love.mp3

GRIEF & SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION  
Rx # 7

We have seen how high vibration sound or the right prosody can affect behavioral disorders which are primed to a threat even when none is present.

This blog will suggest other methods that can help in all forms of grief.

Our greatest fear is in being isolated. This is why incarcerations involving hard core criminals sometimes permit isolation as the ultimate punishment.

Soul suffering which can lead to soul sickness and even soul loss usually involve a desperate aloneness and loneliness for many reasons such as;

loss of a job, loved one or health, guilt, shame, severe abuse, humiliation, burn out and lack of life's meaning.

Sobonfu Some', a writer and teacher from Burkina Faso (now deceased) came to the West especially to help us navigate grief related to guilt and shame.

She stressed, as did Malidoma Some' that communal grieving offers something we cannot get by ourselves. Through validation, acknowledgement and witnessing profound healing can occur.

"It takes a village" (community, support group etc.) to heal what self recrimination, self condemnation and self deprecation can do to us either due to severe abuse done by others mostly when we have done nothing wrong or due to our own self abuse.

The Creator will forgive us for what we do to ourselves (and hence to Him/Her because we are made in the image of the Divine) but we need to reconcile with what we have done to others. This means not only to forgive ourselves and others but also to ask for forgiveness. Support groups may be necessary for us in the West when community is lacking.

For those with lesser degrees of grief positive psychology and spiritual practice to subordinate Narrow or Monkey Mind to Spacious or "Big" Mind can work wonders.
Monkey Mind relates to survival and the sympathetic flight or fight response and comprises our more primal thoughts such as our desires, compulsions, habits and relatively harmless addictions such as coffee, comfort food or chocolate. In the case of shame it can turn inwards or be projected outwards into hate, malice, vengeance, and severe addictive behavior.

With a regular spiritual practice of some sort we are able to influence Spacious Mind favorably with our higher ideas, ideals, notions, beliefs, discernments and discriminations. This will also  cause a positive affect on our subconscious and our parasympathetic relaxation response. On the other hand Monkey Mind thoughts can adversely affect the subconscious. No matter what we think we think, we will act out on behalf of what our subconscious dictates. 
Our subconscious is recording EVERYTHING  we say or believe without any editing.

OUR ENDORPHINS HAVE MAINLY TO DO WITH PAIN,

SEROTONIN WITH MOOD,

AND OXYTOCIN WITH PLEASURE AND BONDING

Oxytocin Serotonin and endorphins are released alone or together with 

Body work, Acupuncture, Runners high, Exercise, Yoga etc. ...

Gratitude, Gifting

Orgasm 

 Dark chocolate, High fat foods, Spicy food 

Breast feeding in mother and infant

Aroma therapy, Sunlight and

 SSRI's or Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors.

OXYTOCIN

 creates intimacy, trust, and builds healthy relationships. It is released by men and women during orgasm, and by mothers during childbirth and breastfeeding. Oxytocin increases bonding and fidelity and improves social interaction. Often referred to as the Cuddle hormone, a simple way to release oxytocin is hugging. Inter-personal touch not only raises oxytocin, but reduces cardiovascular stress and improves the immune system. Gratitude and Gifting cause oxytocin levels to rise.

Touch therapy increases oxytocin especially after seven sessions but it does not last without maintenance. Gentle massage is more effective than deep tissue - especially just stroking the belly.

Interestingly the levels also increase in the practitioner.
"...It is in the giving that we receive." St Francis

Alcohol, nicotine, smoking, high fat foods and drugs do the same. 

Hence if we are not getting our Social Connection System (Parasympathetic) stimulated and our spiritual practice is lacking,  we can use one of these non addictive substitutes to help turn off   fight/flight. 

Gratitude increases neuronal density in the prefrontal cortex much the same as it does in advanced meditators. In addition to oxytocin it also increases dopamine and serotonin. 

Gratitude can create a positive feedback loop leading to more gratitude. Gratitude is an advanced form of spiritual practice.

... tomorrow should be another day. Or we should at least pay the good things that happen to us forward.

Click on the link to highlight then play

06_Gratitude.mp3

  

GRIEF - SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION 
& THE POLYVAGAL THEORY # 6

Also apologies for the fact that there was no #3 - my numbering error. 

Attachment theory states that the presence of a loving caregiver is essential in the first few years of life - someone who sees, hears, soothes and secures the safety of the child. When children are abandoned or abused physically, verbally or emotionally they can grow up with a feeling of shame, self condemnation and worthlessness. 
This can be inwardly directed causing soul sickness or loss,
 or outwardly projected into hatred, anger, blame, judgment of their own pain onto others.

The same can occur with abuse later in life. Both can result in 
Core or Toxic Shame. 
Soul sickness and frequently soul loss from shame can occur with the repetitive, vile abuse seen in Satanic cults, gangs and the violent, sadistic methods used by Boko Haram on children kidnapped and forced under force of threat of death into dark initiations. The ultimate method here is someone forced, willingly or not, into committing a ritual murder. It is difficult for the soul to be brought back into the body after such a heinous act.

The Scriptures say;
"From the sound of my sighing has my essence cleaved onto my flesh."
 The Ancestors interpret this as meaning that 
From the sound of my sighing ...
(as when one sighs in a state
of equanimity, balance and harmony,) 
and the soul and body are as one ...
  my essence (soul) then cleaves onto my flesh.

On the other hand - if one indulges in 
"Sex, drugs and rock and roll"
  the soul separates from the body in disgust leading to soul separation or even "loss" (the soul being pure and made in the image of the Divine.)  This "dis"-ease often causes disease.

The Ancestors

There are only two feelings; Love and Fear each of which have an array of different emotions. The darkest emotions seen in shame which are all manifestations of fear include; hate, malice and vengeance - all part of the Shadow (Evil Inclination) feeding Narrow or Monkey Mind which with ego are all part of our survival response. With severe abuse the victim is often conditioned into a feeling of constant dread whether the danger is there at the time or not.

The Ancestors

and Aldo Leopold;

"It must be a poor life that achieves freedom from fear."

To be courageous there has to be fear. Courage is about going beyond the fear and doing it anyway.

The key to going beyond this level of shame from fear is 

VULNERABILITY

which is embraces love and courage.

This requires tremendous strength of will and the ability to surrender to being transparent and trust that all will be well. We need to commend powerful public figures (like Oprah) who have done this leading the way, no matter what the naysayers may say. Nevertheless it is safer for most who have less power, to do it in a supportive group such as a 12 step program or similar.  Perpetuating the understandible desire for invisibility is not the solution.

The Autonomic Nervous System  (A.N.S.,)  whose function, among many others, is to help us manage fear and survival situations has two basic systems; 

Sympathetic and Parasympathetic. 

I always thought that the former prepares us for the 

FOUR F'S; Flight, Fight, 

and in extreme circumstance even Freezing or "Feigning Death."

The Parasympathetic calms us down and spiritual practitioners know it as the Relaxation Response.  The vagus nerve which arises from the brain stem is a vital part of the Parasympathetic system, responsible for slowing the heart and respiration and lowering the blood pressure among many other bodily functions. Stephen Porges, a renowned psychiatric, has shed new light on this system with his Polyvagal Theory.

He states that the vagus which is largely responsible for the relaxation response has two elements not just the one. 

A Dorsal Primitive Vagus which is responsible for FREEZING. This is NEUROCEPTIVE

 in other words, involuntary, and we have no control over it in life threatening situations.There is no feigning death response which implies it is intentional. He goes on to simplify that the three systems are similar to a traffic light signal.

THE PRIMITIVE DORSAL VAGUS - RED stops one dead in one's tracks, immobilizes and shuts the victim down - the Neuroceptive Freeze.  Neuroceptive implies the victim has no choice in the matter - the response is involuntary and automatic. This only occurs with impending doom and extreme danger.  It results in severe slowing of the heart and vagal syncope (fainting) as well as dissociation in adults. In infants it can cause severe heart slowing and apnea (failure to breath) and even death.

Severe childhood trauma can result in an 

Autonomic mismatch 

where the child becomes 

constantly tuned into a life threat mode. 

This response is also seen in Autism. 

The dorsal vagus controls the;

Muscles of facial expression.

The muscle of the tympanic membrane relaxing the ear drum and allowing the hearing of only low vibration predatory sounds.

The larynx and the voice.

And one's posture.

Hence victims often experience sensory, auditory overload and the  appropriate facial expression and vocalization we would expect with this response (head down, eyes down etc.)

The high vibration sounds of the human voice are tuned out, and there is depressed vocalization.

The more common Ventral Vagus (and Parasympathetic Social engagement system) is turned off. 

IN MOST SURVIVAL SITUATIONS THE SYMPATHETIC - YELLOW - Flight or Fight  takes over and the 

dorsal vagus remains a dormant potential only. 

This Mobilization Response gives an increase in heart rate, blood pressure, metabolic rate and respiration etc... and prepares one to take action. 

Its response is MOBILIZATION. 

THE VENTRAL VAGUS which phylogenetically developed over eons of evolution in all mammals (GREEN  for go and all is clear) 

 is our Social Engagement System - also called the Relaxation Response. 

This determines a relaxed facial expression, vocalization and posture and also changes the tones that we hear.

The ear drum tightens so that we hear high vibration sounds like the human voice and tones like those of a lullaby in the infant or say classical music.

In severe abuse in childhood and adulthood there can be an A.N.S. mismatch or dysfunction where one is always tuned into danger even when there is none.

Porges designed the 

SAFE SOUND PROTOCOL 

which mimics the vibration of the human voice (Prosody.) This works well in rehabilitation of children less than 13 years of age with the use of carefully selected high vibrational music, using ear phones, for an hour a day, for five days, under supervision of a skilled psychotherapist. 

The point of the Safe Sound Protocol is to prime the child's brain with high vibrational music to reprogram the dysregulated A.N.S.

This may help us better understand the power of the right music; songs, chants and certain instruments that can help all of us heal.

Music takes different pathways through the brain which can soothe and make us whole.

The Ancestors

Click on the link and play to meditate, relax 

and invoke your Social Engagement System

with images of Nature

http://davidcumes.com/videos_6.html

GRIEF & SPIRITUAL 
TRANSFORMATION # 5

TURNING CRISIS INTO OPPORTUNITY

There are several things we can do to weather the storm when grief comes our way.

We should always try to remember that this too will pass and ...

"No matter how long the night the dawn is sure to come." African Proverb

also

"If you don't want to see the shadow turn your face to the sun." Aboriginal saying.

The Ancestors recommend that at the same time we embrace light, love and laughter - anything with a high vibration.

In every crisis there is opportunity - sometimes the bigger the crisis the more the grist for the "mill" of change and

the bigger the shadow the more the light that is behind it.

No matter how catastrophic things may be we are always able to "change the channel" in that moment;

spiritual practice, a walk on the beach or in nature, a chat or visit with a good friend, a funny movie or just seeing someone much less fortunate than we are.

We can imagine our lives as being like paddling our small kaiak down the river of life between the bank of happiness and joy and that of pain and suffering. Our task is retain equanimity, harmony and balance by staying in mid stream.

If we bump into the bank of joy we should enjoy the moment realizing that it more than likely will never be repeated. We should remain unattached and remember Harrison Owens' laws of non attachment;

"Whoever was meant to be there was there

The time it began was the time it was meant to begin

Whatever happens was supposed to happen

But,

When its over its over"

If we bump into the bank of pain we should not tarry, set up camp and have a pity party but move back into the middle of the stream with any or all methods employable.

The Buddhism teaches that we should take our suffering and make something useful out of it. By helping others we forget our own pain and with gratitude we can find harmony and happiness again.

We can turn the crap into manure - the more crap there is, the more the potential for radical change.

Dave Cumes

The Great Spirit does not micromanage, karma is built as a default into the soul. We are all eventually accountable for our misdeeds. If we have been wronged we should not assume someone has "gotten away with it." There will be dues to be paid and if anything it should lead to compassion - although this is usually difficult. Everything we do is recorded in the Akashic records or the Book of Life. When we do great things with our challenges in life we are applauded from the other side of the veil between worlds even if we cannot hear it. 

Shakti Gawin said;

"The universe will reward you for taking risks on it's behalf,"

if not sooner then later or much later. 

It's not what happens to us that counts but what we do with it. When we do bad things it is also recorded in perpetuity. 

Those that are dealt a challenging set of cards in life and a less than optimal fate - if they can rise above it - will be more spiritually powerful than those who have not.

The Ancestors

In the play of light and dark, good and evil lies the potential for spiritual transformation. If not for this polarity everything would be like spiritual diabetes. We would lose the dynamic for spiritual perfection. These test of our spiritual metal can help us become spiritual warriors - even "Marines" or "Special Forces."

"People are like tea bags, you only know how strong they are when you put them in hot water." Anon.

The Ancestors 

Our burdens are our spiritual lessons. The Phoenix can emerge out of the ashes and be even more magnificent than before.

The Ancestors teach that 

our teaching is in the shadow of our experiences 

and  

Joseph Campbell

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." 

The book Twenty-Four Hours a Day has become a stable force in the recovery of many alcoholics. 

Click on the link to highlight then play

_-_MP3s/01_Cest_La_Vie.mp3

For those living in the environs of Santa Barbara.

In addition to this weeks blog - already posted below - I thought I would also post... 

Upcoming Events

because I think few ever go to the 

EVENTS PAGE

 School for Extended Learning

Santa Barbara City College

Talks are still at Schott Campus Auditorium
Santa Barbara

They will also be posted on their web site & in their catalogue

REMAINING FOR 2019

Saturdays; 10:00 am-12:00 (or 1) p.m.
Schott Campus Auditorium
310 W. Padre St., Santa Barbara

Grist for the Mill

Managing Grief & Self Transformation

What Shamanism &

Indigenous Wisdom Offer

With the help of music driven meditation and discussion over the next series of semesters we will be rediscovering more topics.

Many of these insights  have been channelled from a mix of;  The Ancestors wisdom - Kabbalistic, African, Druid and Celtic.
For dvds on past talks see www.davidcumes.com for information on some of these and other topics.

There are two books with some of their wisdoms; Messages from the Ancestors - Wisdom for the Way and Mpofu's Grandmother's Loving Lessons. 
Those interested in sangoma shamanism and South African indigenous healing wisdom can check out  
The Source-Tshisimane. 
All are obtainable at Chaucers, Paradise Found, my office (805 9646771) and  

The Source-Tshisimane
 at Ingramspark, Amazon and fine bookstores on line. 

Here also is a link for my book Africa in My Bones (now out of print) that may work