GRIEF # 2

"S/He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness." Alexandra Dumas

Grief has many faces; suffering, pain, sorrow, hopelessness, despair, resignation, detachment, depression ... all fear based.

“Fear can be a friend if it alerts, warns, and yes, tempts, thus testing one's resolve. It is a magician in conjuring up all manner of images.

What we do not reason with or dismiss become their own reality. Fear conquers when we let its possibilities project as realities directing and controlling our actions and decisions.” Hillel

Seven Things That Will Destroy Us

Wealth without work

Pleasure without conscience

Knowledge without character

Commerce without morality

Science without humanity

Worship without sacrifice

Politics without principle  

Mahatma Gandhi

Grief, sorrow and suffering are excessive manifestations of fear. With all that is happening on the planet including the drastic earth changes, war and the fear of a nuclear holocaust, it seems that many, including our leaders, have lost their moral compass. Greed is not only condoned but praised and even sort after, especially by those in power. For the rest of us it may be an attempt to help find a measure of control in a crazy world. Since Covid and the resulting isolation, a form of PTSD has developed where there is a sense of being alone in a hostile world.

"The greatest pain on earth is not the pain of poverty and hunger but the feeling of isolation." Mother Theresa

This is why incarcerations involving hard core criminals sometimes permit isolation as the ultimate punishment.

The Law of Three concerning survival (rough approximations) supports this. You can live; 3 minutes without oxygen, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food

and 3 months without the benefits of any human company.

"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either." Unknown

We need to be kind and help more folks than only just occasionally when our mood feels generous. The more we focus on ourselves the more miserable we become. This is not a moral judgment but a spiritual principle built as a default into the soul. The more we give to others, the happier we are.

"If if I am not for myself then who will be for me

(self-care first and foremost, so that we can be more for others.)

but

If I am only for myself then what am I? ..."

Grieving properly is key to finding balance and equanimity. This requires a measure of vulnerability.

 "I was never asked ' Arent you finished grieving yet?' Rather they would say - have you grieved enough? Have you cried enough? ..."  Sobomfu Some'

Crying is healthful  and like laughing increases endorphins. Some', a writer and teacher from Burkina Faso said that one of the reasons she had come to the West was to help us navigate grief. In her homeland grief was best handled in community which offered more to the individual than they could do alone. The sum of the parts was greater than the whole. Through validation, acknowledgement and witnessing a more profound embodiment of grieving could occur.

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love. It is the prerogative of the brave." M.Gandhi

The courage to be imperfect creates self-compassion and healing. To be vulnerable is to be brave and empathetic to oneself and to others. Vulnerability is key to the grieving process. Those that tend to be invulnerable and 'tough' are usually individualistic and tend to live in duality (you are there and I am out here.) The vulnerable person is more likely to recognize the fragility and oneness in all of us.

"We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea and we owe each other a terrible loyalty." G.K. Chesterton

Vulnerability is crucial for grieving. This is difficult in our society where vulnerability is regarded as weakness when in fact it is strength and courage. Vulnerability depends on trust and surrender.

As much as I love Paul Simon's songs I must disagree with this song's mantra...

"I am a rock, I am an island, and a rock feels no pain and an island never cries."

These words reinforce the idea of isolation, alienation and self-preservation where we may cut ourselves off from the world to prevent heartbreak. Covid may have done this to many and now is being aggravated because of what is happening on the planet.

A study was done where two comparable groups of volunteers were instructed to immerse their arms into buckets of iced water. They were timed as to which group could bear the pain the longest. The first group were told to deny the pain, to push it away, to defeat it. The second group was told to experience the pain, to try and become one with it, to be in the flow with it. At the end of the experiment the second group lasted the longest.

What you resist will persist, what you defeat defeats you, what you destroy destroys you. What you sanctify sanctifies you.

The route to God is through the senses. From my flesh will I experience the Creator.

If we are to find equanimity it is best that we attend to the 'boat' we are navigating down the river of life. We need to take care of our bodies to the best of our bodies' capabilities. Grief and its imprints can be imbedded in the body. These need to be expelled.

"If the head and the body are to be well one begins by curing the soul." Plato

However, sometimes one has to begin with the body. Somatic Psychology dictates that we also attend to our bodies. Our pain often becomes embodied. Bodily oriented spiritual practices can help us get rid of negative physical impressions.

LEARNED HELPLESSNESS

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." W. Churchill

Optimists do better in life that pessimists. They are happier and achieve more. Pessimists are more frequently correct. The optimist who fails, however, will usually begin again and carry on undaunted.

Martin Seligman, describes his stages of Learned Helplessness. These can occur due to repeated exposure to uncontrollable negative events. This lack of control will eventually cause us to stop trying to escape because it seems futile. He divides the stages into the three P's where we learn to adapt to the pain. This passivity may cause more severe manifestations of grief resulting in resignation and detachment.

These are the stages.

Personalization - its all my fault. It always happens just to me.

Pervasiveness - it ruins everything positive in my life.

Permanent - it's never ending.

Research has shown that passivity can be an innate, unlearned response to negative events that manifests after prolonged stress.

This appears to be a helplessness or over-pessimistic style of response as opposed to a more optimistic style of resilience.

The optimist will believe that external factors are also in play.

Its temporary - this too will pass.

Its not pervasive or permanent - its a one off experience and only a single aspect of life is affected.

According to Seligman learned helplessness can be remedied by using cognitive, behavioral techniques through which one can rebuild a sense of control and self-worth.

 

 GRIEF #1

Bumper sticker wisdom; shit happens !

Taoism - shit happened

Buddhism - if shit happens it isn't really shit

Hinduism - this shit has happened before

Islam - if shit happens it is the will of Allah

Catholicism - shit happens because you deserve it

Judaism - why does shit always happen to us?

We need to turn the shit into manure.

Throughout the ages ancient wisdom has acknowledged the importance and benefits of things negative.

"... In the sweat of your face will you eat bread, until you return to the ground;  out of it you were taken: for dust you are, and to dust you will return." Genesis 

From the time of creation and the Big Bang it has been implicit that there could be no Sacred without Profane, no Positive without Negative, no Light without Dark, no Good without Evil.

"Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth - look at the dying man's struggle at his last extremity and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus could be intended for enjoyment." Kierkegaard

However, the Ancestors teach that we are not made for brokenness and sorrow but for wholeness and joy. Happiness is a choice and it requires being proactive. We have to search for happiness in the dark times within hidden recesses as well as our spiritual resources.

Shed and shie away from what keeps the soul from joy.

If it was not for this play of light and dark life would be insipid - like spiritual diabetes. Everything is a test of our spiritual fortitude.

The truth of suffering,…of the cause of suffering,… of the end of suffering,…and the truth of the path that leads to its end. The Four Noble Truths of the Buddha

Buddhism has remedies for our suffering as do other spiritual traditions.

Pain, Grief, Sorrow ... are a vital a part of the human condition.

"The soul has no rainbow if the eyes have no tears." Native American proverb

Its not what happens to us but what we do with it that counts. Everything is a karmic test.

"Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you."  

"Its all about innocence, joy and sorrow."

Rashi

In other words, trying to maintain a childlike innocence and equanimity in the face of it all. The Dalai Lama seems to have mastered this as have other enlightened beings. For most of us it can be more difficult.

"The wound carries the medicine."  African proverb

Pain is in inevitable, suffering optional.

"Savor! Give yourselves to savoring, even the doubting, even the struggling. Savor it all. You are only to savor it to be worthy of it. It is the way of actualizing." Father Toomey

It's hard to savor the hardships we face but it can be a part of our inner work. Bodhisattvas consider hardship a test of their spiritual practice. Consider pain, grist for the mill. There can be no growth without conflict. We require tension for a measure of perfection.

The Phoenix can rise out of the ashes. Those who have emerged successfully from the bottom of a pit of sorrow will often be more spiritually powerful than those who have been fortunate enought not to have been there. We need to take our suffering and make something useful out of it.

“It must be a poor life that achieves freedom from fear.” Aldo Leopold

There are only two feelings; love and fear. Which one will dominate is a choice. Spiritual transformation is about how we manage fear in our lives. Fear has many faces and comes in a multitude of deceptive guises. How we handle fear can be karmically positive. Embracing love is more powerful but more difficult than submitting to fear.

"Fear not loving while you have a chance. Fear becoming bitter. Fear cynicism. Fear turning to stone. Fear being underwhelmed by everything.

Be fearful and bless others. Be fearful and be merciful. Be fearful and forgive. Be fearful and do. Be fearful and love." Pinkola Estes

Fear is part of the Hero/ine's journey. It requires courage. Courage is to act in the face of fear. If there is no fear, there can be no courage.

“You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path..."


 "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." Joseph Campbell

Striving for perfection can be a recipe for misery. There is always a sufficiency of excellence unto itself. True perfection is an impossible goal.

“… don't think this transformation is about having the perfect life or the perfect job or the perfect mate or the perfect marriage or the perfect friendship. This is not about perfection.; it is about wholeness. It is not about having things exactly as we want them, but about having things exactly as they are. When we allow things to be, a sense of harmony develops…”  Adyashanti 

The mind must mind what the mind minds best.

Which mind do we embrace? Monkey or Survival Mind, linked to the Sympathetic nervous system and our Flight, Fight, Freeze or Fain Death response - or Big Mind connected to our Higher Consciousness, creativity, the Field and a Parasympathetic relaxation response.

“Golden verses of Pythagoras speak of storms coming and going. The wise person like the good sailor, knows how to rid them. Unknown 

S/he who sees life as a process of spiritual perfection

 does not fear external events. Tolstoy

"Yield and overcome. Bend and be straight. Empty and be full. Wear out and be new. Have little and gain. Have much and be confused”  Lao Tsu

 

EGO’S TRIAD  #7

FORGIVENESS

“Forgiveness is the most completing gift we can experience for we all have its sweet need…” John O’donahue 

Holding a grudge is not only bad karma but unhealthful. We need to take that albatross off our necks and stop being at war with our grievances and grudges, no matter how hard it may be. 

"I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield down by the riverside, ain't gonna study war no more." African American spiritual song.

“Return” is the key – not in the sense of repentance but rather joyously turning from doubt, suspicion and indifference to trust, hope and love.

Equanimity and spiritual transformation are interdependent. Those committed to a spiritual path are more likely to find inner peace.

Forgiveness and cleaning the slate not only create equanimity but studies have shown that forgiveness can be healthful and may increase T cell counts. Forgiveness and inner peace begin with forgiving ourselves. Once that is done it is easier to forgive others. God, Jesus will forgive us from anything we have done to Him ie. our Higher Self. But outside of that we have to engage personally with those who harmed us or whom we harmed. Cleaning the slate is also key to a peaceful crossing when its time to cross the veil between world at the end of days.

 

Repent with joy

(what we have done to our Selves and to others.)
Forgive with joy

(what others have done to us.)
You are returning to your-Self and are back on the path.

The Prodigal son/daughter returning to the Father/Mother in a state of grace.

On the other hand being cynical, judgmental and holding a grudge can increase pro-inflammatory factors which can cause certain diseases.

“Why do the ancient masters esteem the Tao? Because being one with the Tao, when you seek you find, when you make a mistake you are forgiven. That is why everyone loves it.” 

Lao-Tsu

For many, attachments to sensory pleasures create only temporary happiness. We are here to enjoy, but enjoy responsibly. Being in a sensory body is a gift which we lose when we cross over to the other side. Sensory deprivation is antithetical to our spiritual trajectory and to well-being. We are here to savor the senses and will be held accountable to the extent we did not or did not. However, reveling in the senses without consideration of the consequences is a recipe for addiction, soul sickness, even soul loss and misery. Excesses and addictions to; 'sex, drugs, rock and roll', alcohol, gambling, porn, will compromise health and sabotage equanimity and spiritual transformation.

"Joy is not incidental to one's spiritual path, it is vital." Rev. Nachman

The way to God is through the senses. From the senses will I behold the Creator.

Body-Mind-Spirit cannot be separated. Concerning the body - we do not want to spend most our energy bailing out water from a 'leaky boat' that we have to navigate down the river of life. We need to maintain our bodies to the best of our bodies's abilities for balance and harmony. Yoga has an eight limbed path to enlightenment. Two of these are sensory; asanas (postures), and breath meditation (pranayama.)

THE FALLACY OF PERFECTION

Trying to be perfect - something we may have learned from our parents or elsewhere - can be a recipe for unhappiness. There should always be;

a sufficiency of excellence unto itself.

We need to strive for excellence especially in our spiritual work which should take precedence over most things once the supply lines are guaranteed. There comes a time when perseverating and spending precious energy on a project already well done becomes wasteful. Attempts to get a minimal, relatively meaningless degree of improvement using a maximal amount of one's time can be an unhappy compulsion. True 'Perfection' is an unattainable goal. One can always do something a tiny bit better and it will still never be perfect.

When it comes to enlightenment or Self-realization which may imply a fixed point, the Ancestors prefer the word 'Becoming.' We never get there but can attain a level that can earn us a place amongst other Self-realized beings in the various Enlightened realms.

JOY AND HAPPINESS

SUFFERING, SORROW AND GRIEF #2

Neuroscience is now confirming what the sages - especially Patanjali - have said about 'Mind'. These principles can help us attain equanimity.

The mind must mind what the mind minds best. So which Mind do we or should we choose?

“Serenity is not a passive condition but an undisturbed peace of mind, active and aware which can be 

quiet joy, sometimes ecstatic joy, 

always deep within spirit and light of heart.” 

Father Toomy

There are two principles outlined here which I believe are key to attaining equanimity and balance.

1.

FMRI studies have localized the two minds in the brain that Patanjali described long ago. In modern terms; Monkey Mind or Big Mind. Monkey Mind resides in the primitive brain as indicated in the figure and is where both our primitive and toxic emotions arise. For most of us unless we have a dedicated spiritual practice we default to stress or even Flight or Fight in this area which connects us to our sympathetic survival response. Nothing creative happens here. The only way we get out of Monkey Mind is through some form of relaxation response imbedded in the parasympathetic nervous system, best induced by spiritual practice. We cannot think our way out of it.

On the other hand Big Mind in the prefrontal lobe connects us to either Love of Fear - our only two feelings. This is where our higher consciousness resides. FMRI studies have shown that advanced meditators appear to have more neuronal density in the prefrontal lobe and they default here. Even when there is severe stress they rapidly return to prefrontal lobe activity. This area connects us to the God head, the Field and our guides and is the space of creativity.

To attain equanimity and happiness we need to nurture Big Mind with spiritual knowledge and an effective spiritual practice. In this way we subordinate Monkey to Big Mind, Ego to the Higher Self and our Shadow to our Good Inclination.

Big Mind connects us to the parasympathetic nervous system and inner peace.

2.

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel prize winner, in describing happiness, defines two Selves; the Experiencing Self and the Remembering Self. Joy has a different energy than happiness and is an exuberant, in the moment, feeling of the Experiencing Self.

He describes the Remembering Self being about our story and how we keep score. Since it is not an in the moment, blissful-like phenomenon like the Experiencing Self, he calls it Synthetic Happiness. He adds that this is part of our psychological 'immune' system. Its the Remembering Self that can make life seem more positive.

This system has a reset point. How the experience ends, will determine the lasting effect – happy or not. If not, he maintains that with redeeming or reframing a negative emotion into a positive one we can end up with a positive feeling - having a conversation with a close friend, a walk on the beach, enjoying a funny movie, etc. One bad aspect of an experience can ruin a satisfactory encounter because that is what is remembered rather than the good parts. The sooner it is redeemed the better. There is wisdom in the statements; never go to bed angry, or when you fall off your horse or bike get back on immediately.

If we imagine ourselves traveling down the river of life in our 'Destiny-Self Boat' we can think of the two banks of the river as representing happiness and joy on one side and suffering, grief and sorrow on the other. We need to stay in the midstream of balance and harmony and remain non-attached to either bank. Its not what happens to us but what we do with it that counts. Every negative experience present an opportunity for spiritual growth. There can be no growth without conflict.

When we bump into the bank of happiness we must be in the present moment with either the Remembering Self or the Experiencing Self but when it’s over, it’s over and we head back into the midstream again. Likewise, when we bump into the bank of suffering we should redeem or reframe the feeling and head back to equanimity's center as soon as possible. This is also the 'Middle Path' of the Buddha. We never set up camp or become attached to either bank. Non-attachment and surrender are key factors when considering our equanimity factor.

Harrison Owens' rule of non attachment can help us. 

Whoever are present are the right people. Whenever it begins is the right time. Whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened. Wherever it happens is the right place.

When it's over - it's over!

This is easier said than done due to the fact that we have memory which imprints our conscious and subconscious. Bad memories can result in P.T.S.D.

In spite of their own high level of consciousness animals do not get P.T.S.D. When a zebra escapes the predatory action of a lion s/he is not harmed psychologically by that thought of that imminent death. He continues being the zebra he always was. For us it's not that simple.

Shed and shie from what keeps the soul from joy. 

 

The tension between the two banks of happiness and sorrow is a template for spiritual perfection while we try to maintain a childlike innocence. In order to navigate our 'boat' skillfully, a dedicated spiritual practice is essential. We need to learn to coexist with but not assimilate the negative experiences. 

It’s a mind game ('a head trip') and the balance resides in how we are managing our spiritual practice.

"Pain is inevitable, suffering optional." Unknown

Ancient wisdom tells us to take our suffering and make something useful out of it. Every bad experience can be alchemized into an opportunity. The Phoenix can rise out of the ashes. Ongoing suffering is more a property of Monkey/Narrow mind and our primitive emotions. Spacious/Big Mind which connects to feelings - either love or fear - dictates that life is a test of our spiritual fortitude.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the butterfly calls the beginning." Zen saying