FINDING HAPPINESS IN DARK TIMES #5
FORGIVENESS
In the last blog we talked about an outer spring cleaning and discarding "stuff" related to wants rather than needs. For equanimity we also have to look inward and look at how well we have handled our forgiveness. We need to discard any albatrosses we may be carrying around our necks. Covid is a good time for this introspection as well as a way of moving into 2021 with more freedom and happiness. There are three categories to consider when cleaning the slate towards a better sense of well being.
Forgiving ourselves
Asking forgiveness of others
Forgiving others
Forgiving ourselves
For forgiveness for what we have done to our Selves - our higher Selves, made in the image of the Divine - God will forgive us for these sins - these sins to the Self.
But we also have to forgive ourselves. This will make it easier for us to forgive others and ask others for forgiveness of any grievances. If this is challenging, make a swop; forgive yourself and then also maybe ask forgiveness of someone you have offended as a equalizer to one's worthiness. Self-condemnation and recrimination have no place in spiritual transformation or healing. They strengthen guilt which can lead to shame. Regret and remorse are about what we did wrong, not who we are. Shame and guilt are about feeling bad about who we are rather than only our actions.
We all do bad things but this does not make us bad.
“To err is human, to forgive, divine.”
Belief that you are bad and belief you are out of control makes you more so! Shame and guilt can put the prefrontal lobe of the brain in lock down mode, blocking Spacious or Big Mind. Survival’s Monkey Mind takes over as do our desires, habits, obsessions, negative emotions and even addictions.
Guilt and shame may decrease self-motivation and control. They tend to lessen our accountability and paradoxically make for more not less dysfunstion. They are not healthful and the "dis"-ease can cause depression and even disease.
We are responsible for, but are not our actions. We need to release ourselves from what we are not accountable. Remorse, regret, guilt and shame can occur even if we have done nothing wrong.
Self-compassion which aligns with self-worth generates less anxiety, depression and negative emotions.
Self-compassion does not mean enabling oneself. We need to admit to unskillfulness, take corrective action and let go of any angst. Universal Self Acceptance (U.S.A) or an unconditional positive regard for our true Self reduces anxiety and depression and increases happiness, optimism, positive emotions, and self worth. We are all worthy of U.S.A. Treat yourself as you would a good friend.
Self-esteem is not the same as self-worth and is an ego driven motivation concerning the little self and the persona. It can be a recipe for narcissism. The Buddha call this self-cherishing, one of the deadly sins of karma. Self-esteem tends toward self-enabling.
If we are accountable, we need to ask forgiveness and make restitution if possible. We must then move on without any further misgivings, whether forgiven or not. Forgiveness of self and the perpetrator of our harm can help us heal. Some folks have had their feelings hurt rather than been truly harmed and we may have done nothing wrong. Nevertheless, their hurt is true for them. For those, we can apologize for any hurt that occurred as in, "I am sorry if I hurt you" while not taking any responsibility for a seemingly innocuous action.
Asking forgiveness of others.
“A person cannot find redemption until he sees the flaws in his soul. Whoever shuts out the realization of his flaws is shutting out redemption. We can only be redeemed to the extent to which we see ourselves.” Talmud
According to Maimonides there are several steps to ensure that the forgiveness will release us karmically from what we have done.
Be aware of the action, admit to it and sincerely feel remorse and regret.
Confess and ask forgiveness unconditionally without any excuses as to the why ... If appropriate there may have to be a communal apology.
Return what was taken if possible or compensate in some way.
Picture a better way to have handled the incident.
Determine never to repeat the action.
In the way of the Prodigal son ...
Return is the key … joyously turning from doubt, suspicion and indifference to trust, hope and love. The Ancestors
Forgiving others
It is healthful and good karma to forgive. Neuroscience has shown that forgiveness not only helps equanimity but increases our T cells and our immune system.
Furthermore, when it comes to our mothers and fathers and grandmothers and grandfathers we owe them forgiveness because without them we would not be on the planet. Hence the commandment...
"Honor your father and mother ..."
You do not have to love them or even like them, just forgive, release and let that angst go - psychologically and spiritually. Forgiveness does not mean you have to reconcile.
The onus is on us to reach out and forgive because they gave us a live birth.
Dead relatives often hang around the living looking for forgiveness. This is because forgiveness will release them from that particular karmic burden and make for a better reincarnation. There is nothing good about being haunted by the ghosts of the past that were responsible for our neglect. Forgiveness will free them and also you of their spiritual intrusiveness.
Forgiveness is especially important before death.
Forgiveness is focused on the degree to which we are holding our anger. This does not mean we have to embrace someone who has done something despicable. Nor does it mean we have to have anything to do with the one we have forgiven. Forgiveness is an internal process totally dependent on whether the negative feelings are released. One can keep it secret if one wants. There is no necessity to reveal.
Both for ourselves and others we should judge the action and not the person. Karma will address all grievances that have not already been attended. We should try and have compassion for those who are less skillful than we are. Many are victims of their own circumstances and are passing their pain along to others. Possibly in the past or in past lives we may have been less than perfect. When we forgive, in the words of the African American spiritual song we;
“... lay down our burden down by the riverside - ... aint gonna study war no more.”
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