SELF JUDGMENT AND SHAME
Before leaving the Tree of Life I thought I needed to add a little more about Self-judgment especially around the important topic of Shame. When ego, monkey mind and shadow induce us to misbehave and create severe dysfunction we can judge ourselves severely and lastingly causing shame. Shame can also be induced from the outside by factors not necessarily in our control. The Soul is pure and can always be redeemed by corrective measures. We will talk more about how shame can cause soul sickness or loss in another blog.
Self-Judgment, Guilt and Shame
“Shame is the swampland of the soul.” C.J. Jung
Shame is prevalent in the West and the incidence is said to be as high as 60%.
Shame can come from within from self-abuse causing self-condemnation and recrimination such as committing a crime, “sex drugs, rock and roll” etc. Whatever the cause ...
"Self condemnation strengthens guilt which is one of the greatest impediments on the path of realization." Yoga teaching
And if your friend does evil to you, say to him, “I forgive you for what you did to me, but how can I forgive you for what you did to yourself?” Nietzsche
Shame can also occur from without because of one or other form of abuse from another or others early or late in life. In these instances, the abuse is usually very severe.
Remorse, regret and guilt are feeling bad about what one did. Guilt, when aggravated by self-condemnation, can also lead to shame. Shame is about feeling bad about who one is rather than only one’s actions. We all do bad things but this does not make us bad. We are responsible for, but are not our actions, and need not magnify them. Guilt and shame can occur even if we have done nothing wrong.
“To err is human, to forgive, divine.”
Release yourself from what you are not accountable.
Self-condemnation and Self-recrimination can lead to shame. However, when successfully managed, shame can sometimes help us self-correct. Otherwise it is a crippling emotional force which can be aggravated by humiliation and isolation. It can cause spiritual bancruptcy by shutting down the brain’s frontal lobe and our higher consciousness. We are responsible for but are not our actions.
“If the head and body are to be well, one begins with curing the soul.” Plato
Shame can have physical effects including a lowered head, downcast eyes, voice alteration and a slack posture. Physiological blushing due to our flight of fight, sympathetic autonomic response can occur and is more intense than flushing. It can extend to the ears, neck and upper chest and over more of the body, Severe blushing can make it difficult for the person to feel comfortable in either social or professional situations. Shame can lead to soul sickness and even soul loss. When the primitive vagus is invoked it can cause Freezing or Feigning death (Porges.)
Shame occurs early in life if a child is continually put down and humiliated especially if this is associated with the emotion of disgust. The child believes that they were born a mistake and are no good for anything or anybody. Shame can also be aggravated or caused by additional physical or sexual abuse apart from the emotional harm already created. Humiliation, the ugly cousin of shame, aggravates the shame.
In the adult, shame can come from severe abuse - sexual, physical, emotional or spiritual. There may be abuse from toxic gurus, dysfunctional priests and occult cults such satanic covens, gangs, religious fanaticism etc. Lack of any self-worth can create hatred, anger, malice and addictions or lead to unskillful desires, habits, impulses and compulsions. To compensate the shamed individual may develop the attitude that; life is messy lean into it or fix it, make the uncertain certain, the imperfect perfect. Perfectionism is a way to find some measure of control.
The person might overact as a defense to give the impression of normalcy. Sometimes two personas develop; a public and a private self. Anger becomes a state of being, projecting blame. Numbness and addiction often fill the emptiness inside. Prior sexual abuse may lead to promiscuity or an eating disorder in an attempt to look unattractive to suitors. There is a tendency to shut down and an inability to respond to others.
The voice of shame is self-judgment, silence, secrecy and invisibility.
“If we do not transform our pain we will most assuredly transmit it.” R. Rohr
The only way out of it is through it. This implies having the courage to be imperfect and to be vulnerable, having compassion and empathy for oneself – to treat oneself as one would a good friend and not being stuck in damaging self-talk and self-blame.
Some researchers have claimed that the soul can “split” when there is shame.
"Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is 'split’… by contrast, in guilt the self is unified.” J. L. Herman.
The Ancestors teach that the soul is pure and is unified. The issue is rather with the ego.
“From the sound of my sighing has my essence (soul) fused onto my flesh (body.)”
When we transgress the soul can separate from the body in disgust until it is brought back by healing the dysfunctions that repelled it. We never heal completely until we forgive. Everyone can be redeemed with repentance and self-forgiveness. We need to forgive ourselves, forgive others and also ask forgiveness of those we have wronged.
This may require additional help from a twelve step or any other suitable rehabilitation program. A skillful shaman and a diligent spiritual practice can help Spacious Mind find its rightful place.
“The wound carries the medicine.” African Proverb.
I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, “It tastes sweet, does it not?” “You’ve caught me,” grief answered, “and you’ve ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?” Rumi
“Bring your sister grief by the hand and tell her to come and sit by the fire with you. Grief gives special honor to your losses and her tears are precious jewels that can be strung on strands of memory to be worn with pride and beauty by one’s spirit.”
Mpofu’s Grandmother
“The soul has no rainbow if the eyes have no tears.”
Native American saying
Bene’ Brown states that the factors enhancing shame are silence, secrecy and self-judgment. The way out of it is through it. Empathy is key. Reach out to someone you trust and will have empathy to tell your story. Treat oneself as one would a good friend and as they would treat you.
“Shame cannot survive being spoken. Find someone you trust and tell them how you're feeling. Talking with a trusted person will give you a fresh perspective on what's happening, which will challenge the spiral's negative views.” Brene Brown
To love self and others is to be vulnerable. The philosophy of Paul Simons' song and a lone ranger mentality doesn't cut it; "I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries."
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love. It is the prerogative of the brave.” M. Gandhi
Self-compassion is not enabling – we need to admit what we did wrong, make amends if we can and move on. Self-worth is not the same as self-esteem which relates to the ego, persona and “self-cherishing” (Buddhism) and can lead to narcissism. It tends towards self-enabling. Self-worth means we are all worthy - being made in the image of the Creator - even if our actions are unskillful, we are all on a journey of “Becoming.” The soul remains pure and can always be redeemed.
We need to admit to unskillfulness, take corrective action and let go of any angst. Universal Self-Acceptance (U.S.A) or an unconditional positive regard for our true Self reduces anxiety and depression and increases happiness, optimism, positive emotions, and self-worth. We are all worthy of U.S.A.
It is possible to rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes. Every bad experience can be alchemized into an opportunity. Furthermore, anyone that climbs out from the bottom of the barrel of sorrow has the potential to be more spiritually powerful than those who have been fortunate enough to have not been there. When we are knocked down and get up with zeal for the next challenge - if it did not kill us - it will make us stronger. We should not be ashamed we have been in the bottom of a pit if we have climbed out and can start anew with the unbounded potential of having had that experience. We can be proud then of what we have done.
Self-judgment and shame can also be reversed with the healing of meaning.
Victor Frankl who experienced the Nazi death camps wrote in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, that to find meaning in life is the primary, most powerful motivating and driving force in humans. Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi remained committed to the profound meaning of their missions even under severe adverse circumstance. The safety needs of these individuals and others may have been threatened but they retained "meaning" and purpose against all odds. The way a prisoner in the concentration camps could imagine his future seemed to be the determining factor that counted most. Some imagined seeing a loved one again or being able to complete some mission such as writing a book. They tended not necessarily to be the physically strongest person but they maintained an attitude of optimism rather than a head down, hopeless, helpless demeanor. They managed not to be too anxious, apathetic, depressed, detached and dejected.
Generally speaking those who recover from shame tend to take their suffering and make something useful out of it. Their mantra may have been - it’s not what happens to you but rather what you do with it - either in the moment or in the future
Your teaching is in the shadow of your experiences.
"The cave you fear to enter hold the treasure you seek."
J. Campbell
The healing can also be part of the Hero/ine's journey where after a dark night of the soul we attain the "grail" and come back to give it away and do service. Many folks in recovery have done exactly that. Or as the Buddhists say; take your suffering and make something useful out of it by helping others. Turn the crap into manure for the soul.
We are continually being tested - not about how much we know or how well we perform but that our trust, our love and our faith are being always tested at unexpected times in often unrecognized guises…
If the burden were taken away the lesson would not be there, coping with it, is what is important and is what will count.
The sages teach that without the sacred there is no mundane and without the mundane there is no sacred.
They are different sides of the same reality.
They are unique but not separate from the whole.
“Never yield to weariness of spirit. Sometimes the world’s cares and distractions will intrude and the spirit will become weak. At times like this carry on and soon the spirit will become strong again. God’s spirit is always with you to replenish and renew... When you are overcome by temporary conditions which you cannot control keep quiet and wait for the power of spirit to flow back.”
Twenty Four Hours a day.
“No matter how long the night, the day will surely come.”
African Proverb (this too will pass.)
If you don't want to see the shadow, turn your face to the sun.”
Aboriginal wisdom
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