GUILT AND SHAME 

THE TOXIC CHALLENGES ON THE TRIAD OF LOVE #1

The Triad of Love on the Tree of Life (see prior blogs) is balanced by Judgment and Mercy. This blog will focus on the Judgments of us by others and Judgment that we wreak on ourSelves (as in Higher Self.)

 Self-criticism is necessary for us to correct our mistakes but when it becomes Self-condemnation or Self-recrimination with a big S it can be toxic to the Soul or Self. We should be accountable to the small self or ego, our shadow and monkey mind but we need to keep reaffirming that the Self, made in the image of the divine, is pure. We all do bad things but that does not make us bad.

REGRET

Regret implies we wish that we had done things differently. A criminal may have regret being caught but has no remorse about the act only about the failure. We say 'Regrets …' re invitations that we cannot or do not care to attend. Regrets are usually about ourselves. Having missed opportunities and "pebbles of regret" can weigh us down when we fall short of doing what we were supposed to do for bettering our life paths. This is why sometimes, when our shelf life is expiring, we create 'bucket lists' of the things we have failed to do which would have made us more accomplished or happier. If these are not fulfilled then we may have regrets. 

Politicians may have regrets that they did something that may have adversely affected their career or others. They may or may not have remorse  but are usually told by their advisors to apologize and try to show remorse. Unless they are good actors an astute observer should be able to tell they are faking it.

REMORSE

Remorse means that we feel bad that we did something wrong. Remorse is usually about others or another. We are sorry for what we have done. Reconciliation should arise out of heartfeltness to restore the soul and and allow us to move on. This is the story of the prodigal son or daughter coming home to him/her-Self and the Creator. Contrition is also having remorse for having done something wrong. It can mean being sorry for offending the Creator as well. 

GUILT

Guilt can inspire us to reverse and reconcile what we have done. Guilt has been shown to increases pro-inflammatory factors which are not healthful. Forgiveness which is on the Mercy side of the Triad of Love can increases our T cells and enhance our immune system. Cynicism which is part of judgment can inhibit our immune system. Guilt, when well handled, has been shown to have certain advantages. It can create better leaders, lovers and workers. It can inspire a greater consideration for the consequences of one's actions. Guilt helps us to treasure our morals and has the potential to improve our behavior.

  Self-condemnation is Self defeating and can cause depression. We think that when we beat ourselves up about our unskillful actions that we may perform better when the opposite has been shown to be true. It can separate us from our higher consciousness in the prefrontal lobe and activate monkey mind in the primitive brain putting the brain in lockdown and in survival mode. 

"Self-condemnation strengthens guilt which is one of the greatest obstacles on the path of realization.” Sri Swami Rama

Guilt is often an important guidepost to let us know that we have acted outside of our values, and it can lead to positive behavior change. Shame, however, tends to keep us stuck in secrecy and self-doubt. Shame cannot be a precursor to self-improvement.” Ashley Ertel

Remorse and guilt are feeling bad about what we did. Shame, however, is feeling bad about who we are. Shame is usually toxic and can have a profound affect on the Self. Guilt and especially shame not only inhibit the path of spiritual transformation but can also impede our Inner Healer which is part of the soul.

SHAME

Sociopaths and psychopaths are known to be shameless. 

"Shame is the swampland of the soul." C.G. Jung

Shame implies that “I am bad, I am the mistake.” Toxic or core shame can cause spiritual bankruptcy, soul sickness and even soul loss. We are responsible for but are not our actions. Shame can occur even if one has done nothing wrong. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse by others can create shame early on or later in life. Shame is enhanced when associated with disgust and humiliation. Belief that one is bad and belief that one is out of control makes us more so! Shame in Western society is much more prevalent than one would believe. In indigenous societies it can be corrected by rituals done in a community setting.

“Shame is seen in Dagara culture as a collapsing emotional force that paralyzes the Self and therefore like grief should only be experienced in sacred ceremonial context… Shame compresses the psyche dangerously… One experiences crippling rejection an ostracism as one’s Self esteem is almost exterminated. This is comparable to death.” Malidoma Some’

Depending on its intensity shame can be associated with somatic expressions such as; blushing, a slack posture, lowered head, downcast eyes and voice changes. Shame (and guilt) prevents us from having access to the prefrontal lobe and Spacious or Big Mind - our notions, ideas, ideals, beliefs, discernments and discriminations. One becomes confined to being in the primitive brain's survival mode. 

"Shame is an acutely Self-conscious state in which the self is split..." J. L. Herman

According to the Ancestors the Self or Soul is pure and whole and is never split. When we suffer from shame because of self-abuse (by the small self) or abuse by others, the Self or Soul, being pure, moves away or "splits" from the body and its small self or ego. This can cause soul sickness or when the separation is complete, soul loss. When all is well and we attain equanimity or "sighing" then ... body and soul come back together and reunite.

From the sound of my sighing, has my essence (soul) cleaved onto my flesh (body).

Those who have been subjected to radicalization or indoctrinated by toxic cults often experience soul loss. Hence they can create heinous acts without any feelings of remorse, guilt or shame. The easiest way to create soul loss is to induce an initiate to commit murder. When a hit man in the movies is instructing a future hit man to commit an assassination they often will say; the first hit is the most difficult but after that it becomes easy. In the case of drug cartels ritualized murder is part of their initiation process.

Shame early on in life is a crippling emotional force

Attachment theory states that a strong emotional and physical attachment to at least one primary caregiver early on in life is critical to personal development. 

"The way you see people is the way you treat them and the way you treat them is what they become." Goethe

Infants should have an expectation that they will receive protection and emotional support. This attachment would facilitate the child's survival in the face of dangers. The most important principle of attachment theory is the need for an infant to develop a loving relationship with at least one primary 'care'giver. This is key for the child's successful development, as well as learning how to regulate their feelings. Any caregiver is likely to become the principal attachment figure if they provide most of the child's needs. This relationship can be a parent, a caregiver or a community of caregivers (siblings/extended family/teachers). Even skillful caring cannot get it right all of the time. The hallmark of a sensitive caregiver is that the ruptures are managed and repaired. In the case of insensitive, dysfunctional relationships the child is left to manage him/herself as best as possible. Their greatest need is for stability and security. If this is lacking the child can become fearful and less willing to venture out and learn from new experiences. By contrast, a child with a strong attachment to a parent or caregiver knows that they will be supported during new experiences which are vital to learning and development. 

It is critical that the first survival chakra is made secure. 

If the caregiver is insensitive to the child's survival needs this results in poor self-worth.

“Train up a child in the way he should go and s/he will never depart from it”

"I am no good for anything. I am bad. I am the mistake” becomes the mantra. 

Shame occurs early if a child is continually put down and humiliated especially if this is associated with the emotion of disgust. They feel 'unheard, unseen, unsure and unsafe' due to lack of love and attention. This can begin even before language begins to evolve. They also fear abandonment. 

Early on in life (and later too) it can be due to any form of abuse, physical, sexual (including voyeurism) or emotional. Humiliation and disgust, the ugly cousins of shame, aggravate the shame. A lack of self-worth can cause unskillful desires, habits, impulses, compulsions and addictions or,  worse,  malice, hatred, anger, rage, envy and a desire for vengeance. 

Autonomic dys-regulation can occur with an override of the sympathetic nervous system and any of the F's; Fight, Flee, Freeze (Feign death in animals.) A toxic caregiver is often in denial and never apologizes or makes restitution. A shame based parent who does not love themselves may cause their children not to love themselves. There may be fear of disconnection, abandonment or banishment. Abandonment can also be due to the child being forced to take care of the mother’s emotional needs or that of others.

“If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.” Richard Rohr

 Later on in life the person might overact or react to give the impression of normalcy.  When mistakes are not allowed this can lead to perfectionism to avoid being punished. Sometimes two personas develop; a public and a private self so as not to appear vulnerable. Anger may become a state of being, projecting blame. Mood disorders are common. Numbness and addiction may fill the emptiness inside. In the case of sexual abuse it may lead to promiscuity or alternatively to an eating disorder in an attempt to look unattractive. There is a tendency to shut down and an inability to respond to others. It can be multigenerational and aggravated by family secrecy disallowing a greater introspection and easier self-correction. 

"The sins of the fathers and mothers are visited upon the children..."

The wounded child who lacks unconditional love may later become bound by; perfection rather than excellence as well as 'the need to know' to sustain a measure of control. They may become addicted to intensity rather than love and grooming their persona rather than Self-worth. They are often performance oriented and focus more on what’s wrong rather than what’s right. They may adopt a victim or martyr mentality.

The abused may become the abuser. This paradigm may lead to wife battering or a woman or man more easily allowing abuse physically or emotionally. It also often leads to poor choices in relationships because of that early imprint which will identify with the energies of the past.