GUILT AND SHAME 

THE TOXIC CHALLENGES ON THE TRIAD OF LOVE #4

The Triad of Love on the Tree of Life consists of the sephira of Love in the centre, balanced by the sephira of Mercy on the right, and Judgment on the left. We have to maintain Self-awareness and accountability without judging ourselves too severely. The Tree of Life has 10 sephirot; five are of love and five of fear. There are only two feelings; love and fear but with many emotional expressions of each. Mercy is one of love. When judgment creates an overriding fear it can harm, emotionally, spiritually and even physically. Shame has the power to create unmitigated fear. 

TREATMENT 

Avoiding Self-Condemnation is critical! An unconditional positive regard for the True Self reduces anxiety and depression and increases happiness, optimism, positive emotions, and Self-worth. We are all worthy of Self-Compassion.

Pain is inevitable, suffering optional.

“The soul has no rainbow if the eyes have no tears.” 

Native American Proverb

Pushing away the pain and denying the suffering is not as effective as acknowledging and going into it. Admitting to the truth will help to dissipate suffering.

GRIEVING

“May you have the commitment to know what has hurt you, to allow it to come close to you and in the end become one with you.” Prayer of Finton

 
“I saw Grief drinking from cup and called out, ‘it tastes good does it not?’ ‘You've caught me Grief answered and you've ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it's a blessing?” Rumi

“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems (challenges) because you need their gifts.” R. Bach

Everything is a test of our spiritual fortitude.

Grieving is essential when we are confronted with severe trauma and this means fully acknowledging the truth and expressing it to those who can hear and support, so that the pain can be released. Hiding it away will not work. 

“Iniquities are etched upon our bones such that traces remain even when God forgives. 

One must acknowledge and confess the wrongdoing to have the stain cleansed and the record removed.“ Ezekiel

Grief may sometimes require special rituals and communal help –  it can take a "village" as in a recovery program. 

Indigenous societies have their own rituals that have to do with forgiveness and letting go that are effective. 

“Shame is seen in Dagara culture as a collapsing emotional force that paralyzes the Self and therefore like grief should only be experienced in sacred ceremonial context… Shame compresses the psyche dangerously… One experiences crippling rejection and ostracism as one’s self esteem is almost exterminated. This is comparable to death.” Malidoma Some

”I was never asked, “Aren’t you finished grieving yet?” Rather, they would say – “have you grieved enough? Have you cried enough…?”   Sobonfu Some'

Stress can harm the body through our sympathetic nervous systems and an unrelenting Flight or Fight response. Chronic stress unrelieved by self-care can cause hypertension, cardiac stress, a decrease in the immune system and an increased incidence of the metabolic syndrome. 

"Shame is the swampland of the soul." C.G. Jung

Tanna said“He who publicly shames - whitens the face of his neighbor - is as though he shed blood.”  Rev. Nahman affirmed; "Well said, because I have seen it-- the redness departing and paleness appearing."

"The voice of shame is invisibility, 
silence, secrecy and self-judgment." Brene' Brown

Belief that we are bad and belief that we are out of control makes us more so! We are responsible for but are not our actions.

Early or late abuse or trauma, are aggravated if associate with feelings of humiliation or disgust. 

“If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.” Richard Rohr

“Hatred does not cease thru hatred at any time. Hatred ceases thru love. This is an unalterable law.”  The Buddha 

Shame can induce toxic emotions; malice, anger, rage, hatred, envy and a desire for vengeance. Narcissism can also arise out of shame. By looking down on others, narcissists do not have to imagine there is anything wrong with themselves. 

“Shame cannot survive being spoken. 
Find someone you trust and tell them how you're feeling. 
Talking with a trusted person will give you a fresh perspective 
on what's happening, which will challenge the spiral's negative views.” Bene’ Brown

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." 

J. Campbell

The only way out of it - is through it – not invisibility.
Vulnerability is emotional courage, not weakness. 
The courage to be imperfect leads to kindness and compassion.
Damaging self talk can cause someone to become stuck in shame.
Shift the blame to where it belongs. 

Be patient with yourself, kind to yourself and, above all, release yourself from what you are not accountable.

Treat your-Self as you would a good friend.