GRIEF AND SHAME #5

THE ADULT

"The face of shame is invisibility." Brene' Brown

"Shame grows when it is unspoken. Bringing it into the open through conversation is the first step to breaking its power." Brene' Brown

Shame can create a desire to be invisible and is often associated with a hopeless, helpless, head down posture and an anxious, apathetic, depressed, dejected, and detached demeanor.

The only way out of the pain and grief is through it.

One has to come out of hiding.

This depends on the courage to be vulnerable.

In the case of shame the ego self is often shattered and Self love through vulnerability is the answer.

Self compassion aligns with Self Worth  and generates fewer negative emotions. 

The core of treatment is vulnerability. This is difficult in our society where vulnerability is regarded as weakness when in fact it is strength and courage. Vulnerability depends on trust, surrender, will and love, the opposite of anger, rage, hatred, malice, envy and resentment of self or the other which may seem an easier option.

One has to own it to release it.

What you resist will persist.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." Joseph Campbell

Vulnerability depends on recognizing and acknowledging the suffering and exposing one's shame to others which is challenging and will generate fear. This is understandable - the causes of fear have been listed as;

the deep, the dark, the steep, threat to life, limb, organ or function, religious or superstitious and 

the most powerful all - threat to the ego self.

The classical survival flight or fight resonse occurs in severe stress and also in shame. The Four F's also include checking out completely as in ...

Freezing or Feigning death

 An animal in a survival situation - say an impala escaping from the clutches of a cheetah - has no PTSD after this predicament. The Freezing and Feigning death is an effective escape mechanism and does not become a malady. He continues being a normal impala. We humans, not so much.

Getting stuck in self deprecation and shame can come from damaging self talk which becomes imbedded in the subconscious. Positive affirmations may be difficult but negative ones should be avoided.

One should treat oneself as one would treat a good friend. 

Although negative feelings may be activated at times they become manageable.

The courage to be imperfect can lead to kindness and compassion towards others.

Shift the blame to where it belongs.

Release yourself from what you are not accountable.

 

If one is able to rise above the pain s/he may be able to achieve a huge shift in consciousness. Someone who has emerged into the light after being submerged in darkness will have the potential to be more powerful spiritually than someone else who has not been so severely tested. In addition they are more likely to find profound meaning in their lives, contentment and even happiness.

"There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in" Leonard Cohen

Your teaching is in the shadow of your experiences.

The bigger the crack the more potential for light to enter.

Sometimes the bigger one's shadow the more the light can be, behind it - but only it if it can be realized.

"Be willing to give up who you are - the old familiar- for who you might become to reach that which is beyond you.” Rev Nachman.

  

To glean love, acknowledgment and support from a community, a 12 Step program or a similar rehabilitation program is hugely helpful, and usually indispensable.