FINDING HAPPINESS IN DARK TIMES #5

FORGIVENESS

In the last blog we talked about an outer spring cleaning and discarding "stuff" related to wants rather than needs. For equanimity we also have to look inward and look at how well we have handled our   forgiveness. We need to discard any albatrosses we may be carrying around our necks. Covid is a good time for this introspection as well as a way of moving into 2021 with more freedom and happiness. There are three categories to consider when cleaning the slate towards a better sense of well being.

Forgiving ourselves 

 Asking forgiveness of others

Forgiving others

Forgiving ourselves

For forgiveness for what we have done to our Selves - our higher Selves, made in the image of the Divine - God will forgive us for these sins - these sins to the Self.

But we also have to forgive ourselves. This will make it easier for us to forgive others and ask others for forgiveness of any grievances. If this is challenging, make a swop; forgive yourself and then also maybe ask forgiveness of someone you have offended as a equalizer to one's worthiness. Self-condemnation and recrimination have no place in spiritual transformation or healing. They strengthen guilt which can lead to shame. Regret and remorse are about what we did wrong, not who we are. Shame and guilt are about feeling bad about who we are rather than only our actions.

We all do bad things but this does not make us bad.

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.”

Belief that you are bad and belief you are out of control makes you more so!  Shame and guilt can put the prefrontal lobe of the brain in lock down mode, blocking Spacious or Big Mind. Survival’s Monkey Mind takes over as do our desires, habits, obsessions, negative emotions and even addictions.   

Guilt and shame may decrease self-motivation and control. They tend to lessen our accountability and paradoxically make for more not less dysfunstion. They are not healthful and the "dis"-ease can cause depression and even disease. 

We are responsible for, but are not our actions. We need to release ourselves from what we are not accountable. Remorse, regret, guilt and shame can occur even if we have done nothing wrong.

 

Self-compassion which aligns with self-worth generates less anxiety, depression and negative emotions.

Self-compassion does not mean enabling oneself. We need to admit to unskillfulness, take corrective action and let go of any angst. Universal Self Acceptance (U.S.A) or an unconditional positive regard for our true Self reduces anxiety and depression and increases happiness, optimism, positive emotions, and self worth. We are all worthy of U.S.A. Treat yourself as you would a good friend. 

Self-esteem is not the same as self-worth and is an ego driven motivation concerning the little self and the persona. It can be a recipe for narcissism. The Buddha call this self-cherishing, one of the deadly sins of karma. Self-esteem tends toward self-enabling.

If we are accountable, we need to ask forgiveness and make restitution if possible. We must then move on without any further misgivings, whether forgiven or not. Forgiveness of self and the perpetrator of our harm can help us heal. Some folks have had their feelings hurt rather than been truly harmed and we may have done nothing wrong. Nevertheless, their hurt is true for them. For those, we can apologize for any hurt that occurred  as in, "I am sorry if I hurt you" while not taking any responsibility for a seemingly innocuous action. 

 Asking forgiveness of others.

“A person cannot find redemption until he sees the flaws in his soul. Whoever shuts out the realization of his flaws is shutting out redemption. We can only be redeemed to the extent to which we see ourselves.”  Talmud

According to Maimonides there are several steps to ensure that the forgiveness will release us karmically from what we have done. 

Be aware of the action, admit to it and sincerely feel remorse and regret. 

Confess and ask forgiveness unconditionally without any excuses as to the why ...  If appropriate there may have to be a communal apology.

Return what was taken if possible or compensate in some way.

Picture a better way to have handled the incident.

Determine never to repeat the action.

In the way of the Prodigal son ...

 Return  is the key …  joyously turning from doubt, suspicion and indifference to trust, hope and love. The Ancestors

Forgiving others

It is healthful and good karma to forgive. Neuroscience has shown that forgiveness not only helps equanimity but increases our T cells and our immune system.  

Furthermore, when it comes to our mothers and fathers and grandmothers and grandfathers we owe them forgiveness because without them we would not be on the planet. Hence the commandment...

"Honor your father and mother ..."

You do not have to love them or even like them, just forgive, release and let that angst go - psychologically and spiritually. Forgiveness does not mean you have to reconcile.

The onus is on us to reach out and forgive because they gave us a live birth. 

Dead relatives often hang around the living looking for forgiveness. This is because forgiveness will release them from that particular karmic burden and make for a better reincarnation. There is nothing good about being haunted by the ghosts of the past that were responsible for our neglect. Forgiveness will free them and also you of their spiritual intrusiveness. 

Forgiveness is especially important before death. 

Forgiveness is focused on the degree to which we are holding our anger. This does not mean we have to embrace someone who has done something despicable. Nor does it mean we have to have anything to do with the one we have forgiven. Forgiveness is an internal process totally dependent on whether the negative feelings are released. One can keep it secret if one wants. There is no necessity to reveal.

Both for ourselves and others we should judge the action and not the person. Karma will address all grievances that have not already been attended. We should try and have compassion for those who are less skillful than we are. Many are victims of their own circumstances and are passing their pain along to others. Possibly in the past or in past lives we may have been less than perfect. When we forgive, in the words of the African American spiritual song we; 

“... lay down our burden down by the riverside - ... aint gonna study war no more.” 

Click the link and play

4:01Down By the Riverside feat. Grandpa Elliott | Playing For Change | Song Around The WorldYouTube · Playing For Change

 

FINDING HAPPINESS IN DARK TIMES #4

"It must be a poor life that achieves freedom from fear." Aldo Leopold

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." J. Campbell

The Hero/ine's journey must incorporate fear to be real. Fear is part of all three stages; 

Separation - Threshold - Incorporation. 

Fear is a good thing if it catalyzes positive action in seeking one's core strength and finding in it, how to give back. Fear creates two kinds of stress and we must seek the good kind, or "eustress." 

The causes of fear have been described as the deep, the dark, the steep,  threat to life, limb, organ or function, religious and superstitious and the biggest one of all - the threat to our ego - the small self, our persona - how we look to others, rather than to our higher purpose.  The former is what drives most of us with the help of our monkey mind and shadow. We should rather fear losing connection with our Higher Self and mission and seek to enhance this. 

A byproduct of the journey into the positive aspects of fear can be meaning and happiness.

To have courage is to have fear and do it anyway.

The Ancestors

There are only two feelings, love and fear. The military uses fear in their training by increasing the threat level, increasing the consequences of failure, decreasing the time it takes to carry out the task and giving as little information as possible of what is to come. The hero's journey has some similarities - are we going to fight or, 

 take flight, freeze or fein death. 

Which of these Four F's inherent in the stress/fear response will we choose?

The journey is about love of Self (the true Self) and love of others.

Love of others is not a sentiment or an emotion but a commitment.

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. M. Gandhi

It is courageous to be vulnerable. For many - to be vulnerable is their greatest fear.

Fear is the underlying theme in Paul Simon's song - I am

a rock - I am and island. The words are the antithesis of vulnerability and true courage. The individuality we admire in American culture can be a recipe for being invulnerable and for fear rather than love. We can see how it has worked against us in the fight against Covid.

Click on the link 

I Am a Rock - Lyrics - Simon and Garfunkel - YouTubewww.youtube.com › watch

We are all have been, and especially are now "in the soup" of a potential hero's journey which holds possibilities for huge spiritual transformation. Once we take time out and take a risk with the right intention, receptivity, love and vulnerability we have the possibility of Incorporating not only our future experiences but better actualizing our past ones as well. 

Until we recognize them and "bring them home" to make them truly ours, they are only memories and not fully part of us. We have all been through many warrior's journeys and some hero's ones too. If we review these - the positive and the negative and find new meaning in them we can realize the grail in not only our past successes but also our mistakes and become more of who we truly are and could be. We tend to want to forget, trivialize or rationalize some of the epic moments in our past - bad and good. We can actualize and extend their lessons into the future for our own and the benefit of others. The more toxic ones are indelibly fixed in our memories and rather than choosing to leave them behind we should recognize to what extent they have made us who we are in the best possible way by making them part of ourselves.

Sometimes it takes pain to learn most deeply and ...

It can be better to experience the learning than to learn the experience.

The Ancestors

Take our suffering and make something useful out of it.

The worse the experience, the more the potential for change. Instead of being ashamed of screwing up we need to see the potential in the trauma.

We need to realize, forgive, let go of the pain and turn it into energy for a new path. Forgiveness of others also begins with forgiving ourselves.

To err is human - to forgive - Divine.

I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. Failure makes me work even harder." Michael Jordan

REVIEW and RENEW 

the past and look to the future 

or as the Ancestors say; 

Take from the past what you need and leave the rest behind. Then live in the moment.

Incorporation

Renew and review in a positive way, take it into the future by  integrating it, and maybe look to another journey - a new adventure that will enhance the renewed you.

In doing so it helps to have someone you trust to witness and reflect with. Moreover, without spiritual practice and support we may fall back into monkey mind, shadow and self-judgment. 

Spring cleaning of our material "stuff" also helps to get rid of clutter and find the new you. Anything that is not useful for your path or that does not enhance who you are is best discarded or stored out of sight. Attend to needs not wants. 

If you have found something to do that helps others and brings you joy, learn to live in two worlds. If necessary - keep your day job and the supply lines open while giving service without pay. 

Its best not to talk about your journey to those who will not understand and will judge you silently or verbally. Do not place your intentions on the mantle piece for others to see and trivialize. Let them rather see a change in you - walk the talk - do not talk the walk. If need be talk about context and not content.

"I only went out for a walk and finally decided to stay until sundown, for going out, I discovered was actually going in." John Muir

 Well Being and Nature

 

 “Let your life dance lightly on the edges of time like dew on the top of a leaf.” Tagore

 

God’s rivers of pleasure and good are not placid waters of insipid purity. They have currents of all strengths, frequently forming into wild twists and turns alongside gentle flows, all churning and tumbling into swirling pools too deep to fathom. They are for reflecting, playing and rejuvenating and then continuing endlessly onto their source.

Behold all creation with awe - seeing into it its sacredness.
Sacred mystery is to be experienced in joy and with awe - not to be deciphered. To be entered - not to be decoded.

The Ancestors 

 

Nature is a magnificent edifice - the Creator's masterpiece on earth for us - with many doors and windows to spirit that can help us shift a negative into a positive experience very easily. It is also a preferred environment and a sacred space for a hero's journey. Consider renting a cabin on a lake or by the ocean or going on a retreat into the mountains. Acknowledge the three phases of the journey. We can also find the “Magic of the Ordinary" all around us without going into wild places.

But there are every day wonders unheard and overlooked far remote from wilderness – the sound of rain, a fallen feather, a spider’s web.

These are unheard and overlooked and seem far remote from wilderness until we realize how perception of the smallest bit of wild can connect to our higher Self. Nature reveals, inspires, encourages and shows the way.

 

“To sanctify the ordinary” is to recognize and acknowledge the sacred in every created being whether still or growing, wild or angelic or human... Learn the mystery, savor the wonder of it all. There is nothing that is empty of the divine, "to sanctify the ordinary" is not to make it holy but to be aware of it as holy ...  The Ancestors

Click to highlight and play

01_The_Four_Beings.mp3

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is that nothing is a miracle and the other that everything is a miracle." A. Einstein

Live the miracle that you are with all the blemishes that now have enhanced, not diminished the real you.

FINDING HAPPINESS IN DARK TIMES #3

MEANING & WELL BEING

We all differ in our appreciations of what is happiness, harmony, peace, balance, equanimity or well-being - qualities for which we must all strive in spite of, and especially because of these crazy times.

We need to ...

 

Find joy, happiness and gratitude in hidden places. The Ancestors

and

The Ancestors

Reviewing, redeeming, and substituting the good for the bad. Turning the Experiencing or the Remembering negative experience into something positive. Unfortunately without spiritual practice our Monkey Mind, Shadow side and Ego will dominate Spacious Mind, our inclination to do good and our Higher Self. 

Monkey Mind and these other negative polarities that cause fear and energetic contraction become our default mode. They were designed for running away from a bear or a lion not for negotiating Self-transformation. Psychotherapists know that it is very difficult for folks with obsessive compulsive and anxiety disorders, severe depression or P.T.S.D. to get out of Monkey Mind and so it is for us now with all that is going on around us - political upheaval, climate change and especially now Covid. Any kind of meditative technique can help. Mindfulness meditation has been studied in the military and found to be successful for P.T.S.D. 

It helps to sublimate the negative around us while still keeping informed. Comedians who inform by making us laugh at the same time are commendable. They may be the best way to to listen to the news.

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” Marcel Proust

When we feel paralyzed by the fact that we are powerless concerning the global issues around us we can at least do a type of "spring cleaning" within and without. 

Within; by nurturing a love rather than a fear vibration with whatever inner technique that works for our equanimity. 

Without; by navigating our boat with the help of non-attachment. Keeping it simple, attending to needs, getting rid of "stuff" and those things, no matter how commendable, that no longer support who we really are and our spiritual transformation.

Anything or anybody who does not make you more of who you are makes you less. The Ancestors

Because of Covid we are in a space of material contraction which is good for spiritual practice. Whatever we have not thought of, looked at, or touched in the last few years may be able to be discarded, sold or given away. I guarantee that we will all feel lighter and our spirit boat, being less laden will navigate much more easily.

Keep It Simple, Stupid or

In addition to spiritual practice and non-attachment we empower our boat with truth, hope, faith, belief, trust, surrender, empathy, forgiveness, gratitude and wise choice. We slow it down with hopelessness, denial, resignation, detachment, cynicism, guilt, shame and the wrong choices.

"If you can empty your boat (of these negative polarities) crossing the river of life no one will oppose you, no one will seek to harm you."

“Don’t ask yourself what the world need. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” H. Thurman

It is all about a Hero/ine's journey. 

The Warrior archetype keeps the grail for him/herself the family, the institution or the corporation. 

The Hero is about Self, aligning with one's destiny or core strength for the purpose of helping others. The Hero gives the "grail" away.

"Hold to your vision, be true to your myth." Joseph Campbell

This journey also fits in with the Seligman's positive psychology and recommendations for 

Well Being.

 Seligman's acronym P.E.R.M.A. is in line with the Hero's journey and is about finding meaning through one's core or signature strength.  Carol Ryff adds autonomy and environmental mastery to Seligman's P.E.R.M.A. 

I have included nature as part of environmental mastery - knowing how to use the "accessible green" available to us in order to achieve balance.

P.E.R.M.A.

We  should enjoy Pleasure and Sensory pursuits as well as positive emotions responsibly - not chase after them or try to be happy all the time in order to flourish. 

(The Ancestors also stress the importance of the senses in transformation.)

“… don't think this transformation is about having the perfect life or the perfect job or the perfect mate or the perfect marriage or the perfect friendship. This is not about perfection.; it is about wholeness. It is not about having things exactly as we want them, but about having things exactly as they are. When we allow things to be, a sense of harmony develops…” Adyashanti 

When we are Engaged, we are in line with our core strength, our true purpose and we can experience a sense of flow, sometimes called superfluidity or being in the zone (or the Tao) in order to serve something bigger than ourselves.

"At first you must learn to do the humble things and often they are the most difficult to do. In those humble things ... to find true happiness. I do not know what your destiny will be but I know one thing, the only ones among your who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve." A. Schweitzer

 

Seligman stresses the importance of Relationship especially those that are in line with personal growth, self-worth and finding meaning.

“Once what you are living and what you are doing has for you meaning, it is irrelevant whether you are happy or unhappy. You are content, you are not alone in your spirit, you belong.”

         L. Van der Post  

Van der Post seems to be saying something similar to Adyashanti.

Accomplishment should be a byproduct of the above. He advises us, to not chase after it or focus on it.

The Ancestors stress that every one of us has been given a special gift  by the Creator in order to help others. The gift that is granted  is unique (it may be just looking after a child.) We are all given different destiny "cups" to fill. We will be karmically accountable to the extent that we fill the cup we were given. Some have been given bigger ones to fill than others - to whom much is given, much is expected - their way will be more difficult. Whatever the case we need to do it for its own sake. To the extent that there may be an agenda there may be a karmic consequence. The Ancestors, however, also admit that ulterior motives are sometimes greatly underestimated.

“The outward work can never be small if the inward one is great, and the outward work can never be great if the inward is small or of little worth... All works are surely dead if anything from the outside compels you to work. Even if it were God himself compelling you to work from the outside, your works would be dead. If your works are to live, then God must move you from the inside, from the innermost region of the soul - then they will really live. There is your life and there alone you live and your works live.” 
Meister Eckhart

The good new is that ...

The Ancestors

The choice is ours - Warrior or Hero archetype? What's it to be?

Give back, pay forward and be happy (love) or keep it for ourselves (fear)?

"It must be a poor life that achieves freedom from fear." Aldo Leopold

 

Unless we are in service to others, we will not endure happiness and the more we focus on ourselves the more miserable we become.
This is not an ethical judgment, but a fact of life that is fixed as a default into the fabric of the soul. P.E.R.M.A and the Hero's journey is about well-being and meaning.

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"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know." W. H. Auden

08_Here_For.mp3

 

 FINDING HAPPINESS IN DARK TIMES #2

We are continually being tested - not about how much we know or how well we perform but that our trust, our love and our faith are being always tested at unexpected times in often unrecognized guises…    The Ancestors 

 

Mahatma Gandhi described seven factors that will destroy us, and also, paradoxically, can also account for misery: 

Wealth without work ("Where there is too much, something is missing - the disguise of plenty." Kelley.) 

Pleasure without conscience. 

Knowledge without character. 

Commerce without morality. 

Science without humanity. 

Worship without sacrifice. 

Politics without principle   

We could add a few more; climate change and pandemics as well as loss of a job, a loved one or health. It really is a mind trip - do we want to be in the survival mode of monkey mind, shadow and ego or in growth-transformational space of spacious mind, our good inclination and the higher Self?

 

The mind must mind what the mind minds best (mostly survival.) The Ancestors 

Spacious mind with spiritual practice is a just "referee."

 We might have the right intention but it will be difficult to "think" (monkey mind) our way out of it without some method of going inwards. Spiritual practice which facilitates spacious mind will allow us to maintain equanimity. Life teaches us to take our suffering and make something useful out of it. Turn the excrement into manure –   grist for the mill. The thing that works best is helping others. 

"We are here to help others. What others are here for I do not know.'" Arden

Rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes. Every bad experience can be alchemized into an opportunity. Furthermore, anyone that rises out from the bottom of the barrel of sorrow has the potential to be more spiritually powerful than those who have been fortunate enough to have not been there. When we are knocked down and get up with zeal for the next challenge - if it did not kill us - it will make us stronger. We see this again and again in the archetype of the hero/ine. We should not be ashamed we have been in the bottom of a pit if we have climbed out and can start anew with the potential of that experience ...

Sometimes it's better to experience the learning, than to just learn about someone else's experience.

Barry Schwartz in describing happiness defines two selves; the 

Experiencing Self and the Remembering Self.  

Joy has a different energy than happiness and is an exuberant, in the moment, sensory feeling of the Experiencing Self. 

On the other hand Schwartz describes the Remembering Self as being about our story and how we keep score. Since it is not in the moment exuberance like that of joy attained by the Experiencing Self he calls it  Synthetic Happiness. 

He adds that this is part of our psychological “Immune System."

This system has a Reset Point.

He emphasizes that

how the experience ends, will determine the ultimate effect - happy or not! 

He maintains that with redeeming or reframing a negative emotion into a positive one we can end up with a happy feeling. For instance; having a conversation with a close friend, a walk on the beach, enjoying a funny movie, never going to bed angry etc.

 One bad aspect of any experience can spoil everything - that is what is remembered. The sooner it is redeemed the better. 

He adds that during the first few years of life with the right parenting skills, even the effects of poverty can be overcome with love that embraces bed time stories and a balanced routine. In other words the parents are continually adjusting the Reset Point to achieve a better Synthetic Happiness. Without this the toxic effects of poverty will prevail.

 Finland's goal for schooling is to nuture happy children and it manifests early on in their schooling. Denmark is said to be the happiest country probably because of a similar schooling concept and lack of poverty. Everyone has their needs taken care of. This is vastly different to the system in the U.S.A. The American dream leaves many behind. Some countries are aware of this and are attempting to make appropriate social adjustments.

  In terms of the Remembering Self (our story,) the Reset point and Synthetic Happiness - poverty is a huge deterrent. In spite of this if that the Reset point can be changed by reframing and redeeming the experiences, life can become more positive. 

So, when traveling down the river of life in our Destiny-Self boat... When we bump into the bank of happiness /joy we must be in the moment with either the Remembering Self or the Experiencing Self but when it’s over, it’s over and we head back into the middle again. However, when we bump into the bank of grief/sorrow we should 

REVERSE

RENEW

REFRAME

A.S.A.P.

Shed and shie from what keeps the soul from joy. The Ancestors

This also means avoiding dark movies or negative energy TV.

The sages teach that without the sacred there is no mundane and without the mundane there is no sacred.
They are different sides of the same reality.
They are unique but not separate from the whole. The Ancestors

The tension between the two banks of the river of life is a template for spiritual perfection residing between the sacred and the profane while we still maintain our equilibrium. In order to navigate our “boat” well a dedicated spiritual practice is essential for being non-attached.

Harrison Owens gives practical advise on non-attachment.

Living virtuously and also having meaning in one's life are essential for happiness. Hence Gandhis criteria for self-destruction are also those for a lack of well-being because they negate being virtuous.

                                  

Meaning

 “Once what you are living and what you are doing has for you meaning, it is irrelevant whether you are happy or unhappy. You are content, you are not alone in your spirit, you belong.”
         L. Van der Post 

Viktor Frankl was a holocaust survivor who never relinquished his grasp of meaning nor his sense of equanimity in the death camps. It is interesting to note that the ones who did best in the camps were not necessarily the toughest and the strongest physically but those who had something to look forward to that gave them meaning; a book to write, a loved one to reconnect with. 

Nelson Mandela and Gandhi remained committed to the profound meaning of their missions even under severe adverse circumstance. The safety needs of these individuals and others may have been threatened but they retained "meaning" and purpose against all odds. 

Seligman and Ryff the father and mother of positive psychology agree that meaning is an essential ingredient in well-being.

They also emphasize experiencing positive emotions and a sense of flow (also called superfluidity) when we engage with our core strengths. They stress serving something bigger than oneself in relationship to others. These are also the guiding principles of the incorporation phase of the hero’s journey. Schwartz's work helps us  neutralize negative emotions

 

“When you find your place where you are, practice begins.” Roshi

 

“… do your work and step back the only way to serenity.” Tao Te Ching

Seligman’s core strength is also our unique archetype – the gift we have been given by the Creator so that we can help heal the planet and correct injustice. The Hero/ines journey is a quest to find that grail so we can return to the tribe or the community and give back. 

Unless we are in service to others, we will not endure happiness and the more we focus on ourselves the more miserable we become.
 This is not an ethical judgment, but a fact of life that is fixed as a default into the fabric of the soul. D. Cumes (Africa in My Bones)

 No matter how small the "cup or container" we have been granted by the Creator is for our destiny and our core strength …

 

“The outward work can never be small if the inward one is great, and the outward work can never be great if the inward is small or of little worth... All works are surely dead if anything from the outside compels you to work. Even if it were God himself compelling you to work from the outside, your works would be dead. If your works are to live, then God must move you from the inside, from the innermost region of the soul - then they will really live. There is your life and there alone you live and your works live.” 
Meister Eckhart

Click to highlight and listen to the wisdom of the Ancestors.

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