GUILT AND SHAME 

THE TOXIC CHALLENGES ON THE TRIAD OF LOVE #1

The Triad of Love on the Tree of Life (see prior blogs) is balanced by Judgment and Mercy. This blog will focus on the Judgments of us by others and Judgment that we wreak on ourSelves (as in Higher Self.)

 Self-criticism is necessary for us to correct our mistakes but when it becomes Self-condemnation or Self-recrimination with a big S it can be toxic to the Soul or Self. We should be accountable to the small self or ego, our shadow and monkey mind but we need to keep reaffirming that the Self, made in the image of the divine, is pure. We all do bad things but that does not make us bad.

REGRET

Regret implies we wish that we had done things differently. A criminal may have regret being caught but has no remorse about the act only about the failure. We say 'Regrets …' re invitations that we cannot or do not care to attend. Regrets are usually about ourselves. Having missed opportunities and "pebbles of regret" can weigh us down when we fall short of doing what we were supposed to do for bettering our life paths. This is why sometimes, when our shelf life is expiring, we create 'bucket lists' of the things we have failed to do which would have made us more accomplished or happier. If these are not fulfilled then we may have regrets. 

Politicians may have regrets that they did something that may have adversely affected their career or others. They may or may not have remorse  but are usually told by their advisors to apologize and try to show remorse. Unless they are good actors an astute observer should be able to tell they are faking it.

REMORSE

Remorse means that we feel bad that we did something wrong. Remorse is usually about others or another. We are sorry for what we have done. Reconciliation should arise out of heartfeltness to restore the soul and and allow us to move on. This is the story of the prodigal son or daughter coming home to him/her-Self and the Creator. Contrition is also having remorse for having done something wrong. It can mean being sorry for offending the Creator as well. 

GUILT

Guilt can inspire us to reverse and reconcile what we have done. Guilt has been shown to increases pro-inflammatory factors which are not healthful. Forgiveness which is on the Mercy side of the Triad of Love can increases our T cells and enhance our immune system. Cynicism which is part of judgment can inhibit our immune system. Guilt, when well handled, has been shown to have certain advantages. It can create better leaders, lovers and workers. It can inspire a greater consideration for the consequences of one's actions. Guilt helps us to treasure our morals and has the potential to improve our behavior.

  Self-condemnation is Self defeating and can cause depression. We think that when we beat ourselves up about our unskillful actions that we may perform better when the opposite has been shown to be true. It can separate us from our higher consciousness in the prefrontal lobe and activate monkey mind in the primitive brain putting the brain in lockdown and in survival mode. 

"Self-condemnation strengthens guilt which is one of the greatest obstacles on the path of realization.” Sri Swami Rama

Guilt is often an important guidepost to let us know that we have acted outside of our values, and it can lead to positive behavior change. Shame, however, tends to keep us stuck in secrecy and self-doubt. Shame cannot be a precursor to self-improvement.” Ashley Ertel

Remorse and guilt are feeling bad about what we did. Shame, however, is feeling bad about who we are. Shame is usually toxic and can have a profound affect on the Self. Guilt and especially shame not only inhibit the path of spiritual transformation but can also impede our Inner Healer which is part of the soul.

SHAME

Sociopaths and psychopaths are known to be shameless. 

"Shame is the swampland of the soul." C.G. Jung

Shame implies that “I am bad, I am the mistake.” Toxic or core shame can cause spiritual bankruptcy, soul sickness and even soul loss. We are responsible for but are not our actions. Shame can occur even if one has done nothing wrong. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse by others can create shame early on or later in life. Shame is enhanced when associated with disgust and humiliation. Belief that one is bad and belief that one is out of control makes us more so! Shame in Western society is much more prevalent than one would believe. In indigenous societies it can be corrected by rituals done in a community setting.

“Shame is seen in Dagara culture as a collapsing emotional force that paralyzes the Self and therefore like grief should only be experienced in sacred ceremonial context… Shame compresses the psyche dangerously… One experiences crippling rejection an ostracism as one’s Self esteem is almost exterminated. This is comparable to death.” Malidoma Some’

Depending on its intensity shame can be associated with somatic expressions such as; blushing, a slack posture, lowered head, downcast eyes and voice changes. Shame (and guilt) prevents us from having access to the prefrontal lobe and Spacious or Big Mind - our notions, ideas, ideals, beliefs, discernments and discriminations. One becomes confined to being in the primitive brain's survival mode. 

"Shame is an acutely Self-conscious state in which the self is split..." J. L. Herman

According to the Ancestors the Self or Soul is pure and whole and is never split. When we suffer from shame because of self-abuse (by the small self) or abuse by others, the Self or Soul, being pure, moves away or "splits" from the body and its small self or ego. This can cause soul sickness or when the separation is complete, soul loss. When all is well and we attain equanimity or "sighing" then ... body and soul come back together and reunite.

From the sound of my sighing, has my essence (soul) cleaved onto my flesh (body).

Those who have been subjected to radicalization or indoctrinated by toxic cults often experience soul loss. Hence they can create heinous acts without any feelings of remorse, guilt or shame. The easiest way to create soul loss is to induce an initiate to commit murder. When a hit man in the movies is instructing a future hit man to commit an assassination they often will say; the first hit is the most difficult but after that it becomes easy. In the case of drug cartels ritualized murder is part of their initiation process.

Shame early on in life is a crippling emotional force

Attachment theory states that a strong emotional and physical attachment to at least one primary caregiver early on in life is critical to personal development. 

"The way you see people is the way you treat them and the way you treat them is what they become." Goethe

Infants should have an expectation that they will receive protection and emotional support. This attachment would facilitate the child's survival in the face of dangers. The most important principle of attachment theory is the need for an infant to develop a loving relationship with at least one primary 'care'giver. This is key for the child's successful development, as well as learning how to regulate their feelings. Any caregiver is likely to become the principal attachment figure if they provide most of the child's needs. This relationship can be a parent, a caregiver or a community of caregivers (siblings/extended family/teachers). Even skillful caring cannot get it right all of the time. The hallmark of a sensitive caregiver is that the ruptures are managed and repaired. In the case of insensitive, dysfunctional relationships the child is left to manage him/herself as best as possible. Their greatest need is for stability and security. If this is lacking the child can become fearful and less willing to venture out and learn from new experiences. By contrast, a child with a strong attachment to a parent or caregiver knows that they will be supported during new experiences which are vital to learning and development. 

It is critical that the first survival chakra is made secure. 

If the caregiver is insensitive to the child's survival needs this results in poor self-worth.

“Train up a child in the way he should go and s/he will never depart from it”

"I am no good for anything. I am bad. I am the mistake” becomes the mantra. 

Shame occurs early if a child is continually put down and humiliated especially if this is associated with the emotion of disgust. They feel 'unheard, unseen, unsure and unsafe' due to lack of love and attention. This can begin even before language begins to evolve. They also fear abandonment. 

Early on in life (and later too) it can be due to any form of abuse, physical, sexual (including voyeurism) or emotional. Humiliation and disgust, the ugly cousins of shame, aggravate the shame. A lack of self-worth can cause unskillful desires, habits, impulses, compulsions and addictions or,  worse,  malice, hatred, anger, rage, envy and a desire for vengeance. 

Autonomic dys-regulation can occur with an override of the sympathetic nervous system and any of the F's; Fight, Flee, Freeze (Feign death in animals.) A toxic caregiver is often in denial and never apologizes or makes restitution. A shame based parent who does not love themselves may cause their children not to love themselves. There may be fear of disconnection, abandonment or banishment. Abandonment can also be due to the child being forced to take care of the mother’s emotional needs or that of others.

“If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.” Richard Rohr

 Later on in life the person might overact or react to give the impression of normalcy.  When mistakes are not allowed this can lead to perfectionism to avoid being punished. Sometimes two personas develop; a public and a private self so as not to appear vulnerable. Anger may become a state of being, projecting blame. Mood disorders are common. Numbness and addiction may fill the emptiness inside. In the case of sexual abuse it may lead to promiscuity or alternatively to an eating disorder in an attempt to look unattractive. There is a tendency to shut down and an inability to respond to others. It can be multigenerational and aggravated by family secrecy disallowing a greater introspection and easier self-correction. 

"The sins of the fathers and mothers are visited upon the children..."

The wounded child who lacks unconditional love may later become bound by; perfection rather than excellence as well as 'the need to know' to sustain a measure of control. They may become addicted to intensity rather than love and grooming their persona rather than Self-worth. They are often performance oriented and focus more on what’s wrong rather than what’s right. They may adopt a victim or martyr mentality.

The abused may become the abuser. This paradigm may lead to wife battering or a woman or man more easily allowing abuse physically or emotionally. It also often leads to poor choices in relationships because of that early imprint which will identify with the energies of the past.

THE  DEADLIEST SINS OF KARMA 

JUDGMENT AND SCANDALIZING (D)

“There is so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us that it hardly behooves any of us to talk about the rest of us.” New England Saying

 

When judgment creates scandal and envy it has the potential to create significant harm.

 

“See yourself in others then whom can you hurt? What harm can you do?” Dammapada

There is a story about a rabbi in a small ghetto in Eastern Europe who one day was seen taking groceries from a stall in the market. The storekeeper was not there and an observer noted that he left without paying. The shopper spread the rumor to the community that their rabbi was a thief. The rabbi was removed from his position and from that time on had to earn a subsistence living, cutting and delivering wood. On one occasion the person who spread the rumor saw the rabbi burdened under a load of wood and felt sympathy for him. He went to the hovel that was now his home to make amends. When the rabbi opened the door, he told him that he was sorry for what had happened and related the story of the unpaid groceries. The rabbi was upset that he had not come first to tell him what he had seen. He explained that the stall belonged to his son in law who gave him permission to take food whenever he wanted.

The congregant felt terrible and asked what could he do to reverse the damage. The rabbi suggested he write a letter about the mistake and take it to a nearby hill on a windy day, tear it into as many pieces as he could and then throw it into the wind. The congregant was exuberant and thanked the rabbi profusely. The rabbi then added; “But, I am not finished. Now you need to go and pick up every piece of paper and then the damage will be repaired.”

Sometimes the judgments we make that cause damage can have karmic consequences far more onerous than we can imagine. When we come in front of a spiritual tribunal at the end of our days we will learn that the laws of accountability on the other side are much more severe than those on the earth plane.

 

Ego’s judgment can be enhanced by our Evil Inclination (Shadow,) Monkey (Narrow) Mind as well as aggravated, and taken advantage of, by our Tricksters. All are connected to our primitive, sympathetically driven, survival responses that arise from our fear-based emotions. These cause our common unskillful emotions such as desires, compulsions, habits and addictions.

More serious and less common than these, however, are our toxic  emotions which harm others as well as ourselves. These occur when Shadow, Ego, Monkey Mind and Dark Forces completely override our Good Inclination, Higher Self, Spacious Mind and our Guides.

“Malice sucks up the greater part of her own venom and poisons herself.” Montaigne

The toxic emotions of malice, hatred, anger, rage, envy and the desire for vengeance are Self-reflecting. They damage the Higher Self and disable Spacious Mind. They also blemish our karma and our life's trajectory.

 

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” The Buddha

 

“Holding on to anger (rage, malice, hatred) is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The Buddha

 

Take care not to give scandal nor to cause harm.

 

Has judgment caused harm to another or others?

The Evil Tongue

 

Kabbalah teaches that when we slander we “murder” three people:

Our Self (as in Higher Self) and our Karma, 

"... and for what measure you mete, it will be measured to you again.” Matthew

the person to whom we gossip by possibly poisoning their mind, 

and the one we are slandering, by character assassination.

Sadly scandal is all too common these days and is frequently based on lies. 

 

“Do not spread a bad image of anyone or any group – even if true (or to the person himself.)
Do not share information that can cause harm.
Do not embarrass even in jest.
Do not pretend that innuendo or body language are not speech.” Chofetz Chaim

 

When judgment leads to covetousness we may transgress one of the ten commandments depending on what we do with our jealousy. Envy can result in the Evil Eye, the Evil Tongue out of one's Evil Inclination. 

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house or your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

When envy and jealousy and toxic, negative inclinations align with the heavy duty dark forces ('spiritual Mafia') to carry out nefarious actions, the result is witchcraft or sorcery. Sorcerers may use this occult, negative power in the Field either for themselves or for others. Witchcraft and sorcery, are not only effective but also lucrative. Just as distant healing has been proven to be successful, so too must be, distant hexing. In the case of the dark professions, these practitioners, knowingly and with intent conscript evil spirits to help them with their malignant efforts. 

We may think that witchcraft only works in indigenous societies because they believe in it but this is not true. Distant or remote hexing works whether we believe in it or not. It is also prevalent in the West. 

It works more powerfully if someone believes in it (the nocebo effect.) 

When coveting occurs it may deprive others of having something or succeed in taking away what rightfully belongs to them.

The witch is the traitor in the gates who may also work spells for good so that they can continue to work unopposed. The sorcerer may help a client to gain their confidence, and then later, place a hex to get the victim back. They correct the malady that they had induced so that the client becomes their meal ticket. The cycle may continue.

 Those who are governed by their Evil Inclinations may even unknowingly attract dark forces who are happy to help them carry out their covetous intentions. They may not realize they are being helped from the dark side of the veil - only that they are effective in their endeavors, both good and bad. 

VENGEANCE

 

Over and above the criminal justice system, which has its own role to play in keeping us safe, exacting even what seems to be justifiable vengeance is egregious to the Creator. 

“You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge … I am the Lord.” Leviticus

 

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil…” Romans 

 

Karma is relentless and will settle all valid grievances, sometimes sooner, rather than later. Unfortunately its usually not soon enough for most of us.

 

“Vengeance is Mine, and retribution. 

In due time their foot will slip; For the day of their calamity is near, And the impending things are hastening upon them.”  Deuteronomy

 

“Do not say I will repay evil. 

Wait for the Lord and He will save you.” 

Do not say, “Thus I shall do to him as he has done to me; 

For I will render to the man according to his work (his karma.)”                           

“Rejoice not when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad.” Proverbs

 

“… and do not give the devil a foothold. “ Ephesians

Sometimes an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth is the only way forward but this should hopefully be left to the justice system. 

“Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s and render unto God that which is God’s.” Jesus

War it seems will always be necessary because of evil in the world. In the case of our warriors in battle they have a job to do and an eye for an eye makes perfect sense but if possible they should not have vengeance or gratification in their heart when carrying out their duty. Nevertheless, hatred and the desire for vengeance are great catalysts for effectiveness.

 

 

 

THE THREE DEADLY SINS OF KARMA (C)

“We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.” G.K. Chesterton

MERCY

 

Being compassionate and having empathy is not only healthful (bumps up the immure system) but also good karma.

“The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.” Goethe 

 

Do not refrain from not judging at all but rather attempt not to judge harshly but to judge favorably. 

Reality usually follows its description. Hence it is ever changing and is perceived differently by different people.

 

Sweetening of the Judgments

The Ancestors teach us to; sweeten our judgments.

It is difficult not to judge – better to discern and discriminate with kinder words such as, he is different, she is intense or a bit odd ...  and to judge the action and not the person.

“Judge of me tenderly.” Emily Dickenson

 

“Mercy to the point of recalling only the good qualities of our tormentor.

Remembering them in the innocence of their infancy.
Mercy beyond the letter of the law …” Cordovero

 

“Great are the righteous for they transform judgment into compassion.” Genesis Raba 

 

The danger is not to enable others by letting them off the hook. We need to inform, enlighten and/or correct gently with compassion, especially to those who are close to us. 

When it comes to our loved ones, friends and colleagues ...

 Of love be a little more careful!

Never judge in a condemnatory way, never with disavowing and lack of love.

You must support emotionally without condoning.

Whether its about judging or forgiving ourselves or others, consider:

"An eye for and eye can make the whole world blind." Gandhi

Jesus taught to turn the other cheek which we may also mean, walk away, do not make a stand or carry a flag especially around someone whose opinion is unalterable. It can also mean walking away from toxic emotions delivered by another rather than ineffectively coming up against them. We should try to respond positively if at all possible. If we respond negatively we inherit their energy and give away our power. 

Sometimes it's better to be effective rather than right.

It’s not about them it’s about you. Give compassion. Imagine them changing for the better. 

Make of your opponent a dance partner.

However, if harm is being done then it may be appropriate to consider 

... an eye for an eye...

 "And a man who injures his countryman – as he has done, so it shall be done to him; fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. 

Just as another person has received injury from him, so it will be given to him." Leviticus

Forgiveness

Holding a grudge is not only bad karma but unhealthful. We need to take that albatross off our necks and stop being at war with our grievances and grudges, no matter how hard it may be. 

"I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield down by the riverside, ain't gonna study war no more." 

African American spiritual song.

“Return” is the key – not in the sense of repentance but rather joyously turning from doubt, suspicion and indifference to trust, hope and love.

 

Repent with joy (what we have done to our Selves and to others.)
Forgive with joy (what others have done to us.)
You are returning to your-Self and are back on the path.

 

“Why do the ancient masters esteem the Tao? Because being one with the Tao, when you seek you find, when you make a mistake you are forgiven. That is why everyone loves it.” 

Lao-Tsu

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