FORGIVENESS #3

  

 

FORGIVING OTHERS

It is worth considering

 

Was it intentional? 

Is there another side to their story? 

Is there a unique cultural issue? 

Have you managed to walk in their moccasins for a day? 

Are or were they victims of their own circumstances – recent and past? 

Was the insult true or worthy of attention? 

Was harm done? 

Was any form of an apology offered and how sincere was it?

If major or critical, is it reconcilable with some form of compensation or not?

 

Truth can be ego clinging to its own image.

 

Was one’s ego the issue? Is ego related, self-righteous indignation predominant? 

Is a lack of forgiveness causing contraction rather than expansion, fear rather than love? 

Is there a possibility of relating positively to the conflict rather than further aggravating the issue? Is it better to be effective rather than right - creating more balance than resentment?

 

When you no longer need to be right, the purity of your soul will shine through.

 

These teachings from the sages can helps us to find the way.

 

“Mercy to the point of recalling only the good qualities of our tormentor.
Remembering them in the innocence of their infancy.
Mercy beyond the letter of the law.
Patience in enduring evil.” Cordovero

 

Forgiveness was at the heart of Mandela and Bishop Tutus’ Truth and Reconciliation Commission after the fall of Apartheid. Their idea was that it was essential to forgive the atrocities for the healing of the “Rainbow Nation.”

 

“It is vitally important that we see these mens’ humanity”

Albie Sachs the lawyer who presided over the commission.

The commission wanted healing and their only hope was to reach out with compassion and not revenge. Remorse and contrition were to be openings for repentance. The truth and the whole truth needed to be told and a sincere apology for the atrocity was key. many disagreed with this policy but it did lead to healing of the rainbow nation during Mandela's presidency. It could have lead to a blood bath.

 

“What are the ways of the Holy One. A God compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in kindness and faithfulness, extending kindness to the thousandth generation, forgiving, iniquity, transgression and sin.” Exodus 

 

Just as the Creator judges the action and not the Higher Self - made in the divine image so should we judge the action and not that person's higher Self. Karma takes care of the rest. The Ancestors teach us to sweeten our judgments.

 

Forgiveness before and beyond the grave

 

When it comes to our mothers and fathers and grandmothers and grandfathers we owe and honor them with our forgiveness. They gave us a live birth and without them we would not be on the planet. Hence the commandment...

"Honor your father and mother ..."

You do not have to love them or even like them, or have anything more to do with them. Just to forgive, release and let that angst go – physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. 

The dead often hang around the living looking for forgiveness since forgiveness will release them from that particular karmic burden and make for a more functional reincarnation. There is nothing good about being haunted by the ghosts of the past that were responsible for our neglect.  Their intrusive energies - intentionally or not - get in the way of the flow of our life force. Forgiveness will release them and also us of their spiritual intrusiveness even if they are not haunting you from the other side. Neuroscience has shown that forgiveness is often more important for the one doing the forgiving than the one receiving it.

Giving forgiveness and asking for forgiveness is best done before death.  Forgiveness is much more difficult when they have passed on but possible with expert help. One should also release the other from unkept promises and unresolved commitments.

Forgiveness is focused on the degree to which we are holding our anger.
This does not mean we have to embrace someone who has done  something despicable. 
It is an internal process totally dependent on us where negative feelings are released.
It can be kept secret if we want – there is no necessity to reveal.

There is also no need to reconcile.

ASKING FORGIVENESS FROM THOSE WE HAVE WRONGED

It may help to define the insult for which one is asking forgiveness as:

 

Minor or Petty

A threat to their value system or ego. 

As kids we would rhyme; sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me– would that it were so.

We do not have to take responsibility if we have done nothing wrong but we can always empathize and apologize sincerely for any hurt rendered to the other as in; "I am sorry if I hurt your feelings." You are not admitting culpability.

 

Serious

Acts causing harm require a sincere apology on behalf of the perpetrator and possibly some form of compensation.

 

Critical.

These are actions that require the most attention - those causing a threat to not only the ego but to; life, limb, organ, function, livelihood, a relationship and anything else of this nature. Asking forgiveness and trying to compensate in some way is not only good karma but could prevent retribution. This pertains especially to those with vengeful inclinations.  In indigenous societies it is a major catalyst for witchcraft and sorcery, in the West - for legal action. Grudges are never good. The apology should be done karmically for its own sake out of remorse and not only for preventing negative consequences.

For ourselves we need to be sure that our unskillful actions result only in remorse and regret and not ongoing guilt and even worse, self-condemnation and self-recrimination which can lead to shame. The sooner we set things right the better for us and those concerned. Waiting aggravates the situation. Cleaning the slate can release one from a huge burden.

 

According to Maimonides there are several steps to ensure that our attempt will release us karmically from what we have done.

 

Be aware of the action, admit to it and sincerely feel regret and remorse. 
Confess and ask forgiveness unconditionally without any excuses as to the why ...  If appropriate it may have to be a communal apology. Rationalizing one's action mutes the intention.
Return what was taken if possible or compensate in some way.
Picture a better way to have handled the incident.
Determine never to repeat the action.

 

If the apology is not heart felt it is karmically neutral or even negative. 

One must confess, admit, acknowledge any wrong without justifying the action. When asking, allow the other to be where they are. Regrets may not be accepted especially if the damage cannot be repaired or allowing of compensation. At least show willingness to do so. If done with good intent it should unite and not divide. Giving or asking for forgiveness does not have to be associated with reconciliation of the relationship.

Maimonides adds that for complete karmic resolution – if the apology is not accepted – it should be delivered a total of three times. If a sincere effort has been made to ask for forgiveness, more than once and this is denied, the karmic burden shifts to the one holding a grudge. If the person rejects your offer nothing is lost.

 

“… What you give to, if not received, is still not lost. Not getting back what you give, and or, not having what you give being received – neither way is a waste or loss.” John O’donahue

 

Our politicians and others in high places understand how important it is to apologize, but the offering is often without contrition or associated with a rationalization and trying to excuse the behavior. Usually those concerned will be able to see if there is true regret.

The Ancestors teach that we should repent with joy and forgive with joy because we are returning to the Self and are back on the path.

The three questions we should ask ourselves are:

What have we done to our Higher Selves (made in the image of the divine.) Forgive ourselves and make rectification.

What others have done to us? Give forgiveness.

What have we done to others? Ask forgiveness.