David Cumes Surgeon/Sangoma (Zulu for Shaman)

GRIEF AND SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION # 4

SHAME

SELF CONDEMNATION AND SHAME

go beyond Regret, Remorse and Guilt

and mean

we feel bad about

who we are!

Belief that we are bad can make us more so.

Self Condemnation not only inhibits our spiritual transformation but if we have a severe illness, a belief that we don't deserve to be well can also cripple our Inner Healer.

Forgiveness will usually take care of Remorse and Guilt but ongoing Self Condemnation/Recrimination/Deprecation and Shame may require more intensive care.

Having a loving caring caregiver in the early stages of childhood that makes the child feel safe, secure, seen, heard and healthful (Attachment Theory) stands in contrast to an ongoing disgust for a child which causes shame.

Shame as the child develops can be healthy if it leads to self correction and is the source of learning and self transformation.

However, Toxic or Core shame which Jung called;

"The swampland of the soul"
is an entirely different matter.

Some Shame is said to occur in at least 50% of people and early on can be due to crippling humiliation of the child, often associated with severe abuse; Sexual, Physical, Emotional or Verbal.

It can also occur later in life under similar circumstances of severe abuse. The ultimate manifestation of this occurs in satanic cults and acts of abuse carried out by the likes of Boko haram, especially on woman and children.

Core or Toxic shame occurs when a child is continually put down as in ...

you are no good to anyone or for anything!

The child comes to believe they are the mistake and were born a mistake. This dynamic occurs early, even before language develops due to lack of love and bonding. The caregiver may even say; "I never ever wanted you in the first place!"

Alternatively the parents or caregiver/s, who rarely have any self awareness, may demand perfection and obedience - no mistakes are allowed! They may believe that they are providing for a nuisance who would otherwise be on the street but for them.

To protect themselves from being scrutinized by others and social services the caregiver/s may demand that the child puts on a happy face and threaten them if they should speak out to anyone. The child, fearing that their survival is at stake, complies.

In many families it is often multigenerational and kept secret.

"The sins of the fathers and mother are visited upon the children..."

(The child of an alcoholic parent may become an alcoholic or victim of abuse may become the abuser.) We are often victims of our circumstances and then also pass it on.

The child feels abandoned, isolated and disconnected and in a continual survival mode from fear.

We will see in a future blog how this can effect our Autonomic Nervous System and create an ongoing response to a feeling of

Threat !

Abandonment can also be due to the child being forced to take care of his/her mother's emotional needs.

The Effects are as follows...

"Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is split." J.L. Herman

"I am not ok!"

So one overacts to give an appearance of normalcy. There may be two personas, a public and a private self.

Anger due to lack of self worth can become a state of being projected inwards with self deprecation, or outwardly as blame and judgment. There may be toxic emotions such as hatred, malice and even the impulse to harm themselves or others.

"Malice sucks up the greater part of her own venom and poisons herself." Montaigne

They may be emotionally shut down, leading to mood disorders, "dis"-ease and even disease.

There is frequently a numbness resulting in addiction, to fill the emptiness inside.

In the case of sexual abuse excessive eating may help the victim to be sexually less appealing. Alternatively the abuse may be acted out as promiscuity.

The core of the treatment is vulnerability. This is difficult in our society where vulnerability is regarded as weakness when in fact it is strength and courage. Vulnerability depends on trust, surrender, will and love, the opposite of hatred, malice and resentment of self or the other which may seem an easier option.

Although most of the above addresses what can happen in a dysfunctional home in childhood, a similar dynamic can occur in adulthood in the home or outside of it. The dysfunction in childhood is often only confronted and dealt with later in life.

Treatment

The face of shame is invisibility.

Vulnerability depends on recognizing and acknowledging the suffering and exposing one's shame to others which is challenging and will generate fear. This is understandable - the causes of fear have been listed as; threat to life, limb, organ or function, religious or superstitious and

the most powerful all - threat to the ego self.

In the case of shame the ego self is already shattered and self love through vulnerability is the answer.

“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.” Mahatma Gandhi

It requires a belief and trust in the truth that the Phoenix can emerge out of the fire of destruction. It's not what happens to us but what we do with it that is important.

The Ancestors

If one is able to rise above the pain they may be able to achieve a huge shift in consciousness. Someone who has emerged into the light after being submerged in darkness will be more powerful spiritually than someone else who has not been so severely tested. In addition they are likely to find profound meaning in their lives, contentment and even happiness.

The only way out of the pain and grief is through it. One has to come out of hiding.

Support from a community, a 12 - Step program or similar is hugely helpful - even indispensable - to glean love, acknowledgment and support.

The courage to be imperfect can lead to kindness and compassion towards others.

Getting stuck in self deprecation and shame can come from damaging self talk which becomes imbedded in the subconscious. Positive affirmations may be difficult but negative ones should be avoided.

One should treat oneself as one would treat a good friend.