GRIEF AND SHAME #4

We are responsible for but are not our actions.

We need to admit when necessary to our unskillfulness. Forgiveness of self and the other and asking forgiveness will usually take care of Remorse and Guilt but,

ongoing Self Condemnation/Recrimination/Deprecation and Shame may result in soul sickness or even soul loss and require much more help.

"Shame is the swampland of the soul." C.G. Jung

Shame is about feeling bad about who we are. If associated with humiliation it can create self-disgust, 'I am bad, I am no good for anyone, I am the mistake.' Shame can be a crippling emotional force where the soul splits from the body.

 This can occur early in childhood from a dysfunctional home.

A similar dynamic can occur in adulthood in the home or outside of it. The dysfunction in childhood is often only confronted and dealt with later in life. 

Some degree of Shame is said to occur in at least 50% of people.

Early on it can be due to humiliation of a child, often associated with severe abuse; Sexual, Physical, Emotional/Verbal, or Emotional Voyeurism.

Having a loving, caring caregiver in the early stages of childhood that makes the child feel safe, secure, seen, soothed and heard is essential (Attachment Theory.) This stands in contrast to an ongoing disgust for a child which causes shame and humiliation.

Core or Toxic shame occurs when a child is continually put down as in as... 

you are no good to anyone or for anything! 

The child comes to believe they are the mistake and were born a mistake. This dynamic can develop even before language begins due to a lack of love and bonding. The parent or caregiver may even say or make the child feel, that they were never wanted in the first place.

 These caregiver rarely have any self awareness. They may demand perfection and obedience - no mistakes are allowed. They may rationalize that they are providing for a nuisance who would otherwise be on the street but for them.

The child feels abandoned, isolated and disconnected and in a continual survival mode from fear.

Abandonment can also be due to the child being forced to take care of the caregiver's emotional needs.

To protect themselves from being scrutinized by others and social services the caregiver may demand that the child puts on a happy face and threaten them if they speak out to anyone. The child, fearing that their survival is at stake, complies.

"The sins of the fathers and mothers (and grandfathers and grandmothers) are visited upon the children..."

In many families it is often multigenerational and kept secret. 

The child of an alcoholic parent may eventually become an alcoholic or the abused may become the abuser. The victim becomes the perpetrator.

"If we do not ttransform our pain we will most assuredly tramsmit it." Richard Rohr

The child and later the adult may overact to give an appearance of normalcy. Two personas may develop, a public and a private one.

Anger due to lack of self worth can become projected inwards with self deprecation, or outwardly as blame and judgment. There may be toxic emotions such as malice, anger, rage, hatred, envy and the impulse to harm themselves or others.

Self-Condemnation not only inhibits spiritual transformation but if the abused has no self-worth and gets sick a belief that s/he does not deserve to be well can creep in. This can cripple the Inner Healer which is part of the soul.

"Malice sucks up the greater part of her own venom and poisons herself." Montaigne

 

Abuse may cause emotional shut down, causing mood disorders, "dis"-ease and even disease as well as self-mutilation as in, 'I am not ok!'

The numbness can result in addiction, to fill the emptiness inside. 

In the case of sexual abuse excessive eating may help the victim to escape being sexually less appealing. Alternatively the abuse may eventually be acted out as promiscuity.