David Cumes Surgeon/Sangoma (Zulu for Shaman)

GRIEF & SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION # 8

The Ancestors

The opposite or the antidote to grief is happiness so it is worthwhile looking at Daniel Kahneman who won the Noble prize for his research in relation to

THE REMEMBERING SELF and

THE EXPERIENCING SELF

JOY IS A SENSORY, IN THE MOMENT, EXUBERANT EXPERIENCE.
HAPPINESS - MORE AN EVALUATION OF THE PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE AND HOW THAT FEELS.
It is the Experiencing Self that experiences true Joy - the Remembering Self can be more one of Happiness.
The figure summaries my understanding of these two Selves. It is the Experiencing Self that has joy or happiness and that occurs in the present moment. Some folks seem to have a lower threshold for this than others and tend to be more joyful. This "Reset Point" may be in our D.N.A. but also relates to how we cope with stress resulting out of our experiences. Someone who has endogenous depression will have a different Reset Point or maybe none at all.

The Remembering Self on the other hand develops more of a "Synthetic" happiness that comes out of the memories of their life path and their fate - good or bad and what they did with the cards they were dealt. This has to do with many factors, including financial security and their successes having met their goals.
The Remembering Self is about our story.

When I left South Africa in 1975, I had an unhappy two years when I first arrived in California, trying to adjust to the culture. Though seemingly similar in terms of climate and language it was completely different to what I had left behind. I actually even thought of returning but for political reasons thought better of it. My Experiencing Self was stimulated by the challenges and grateful for being where I was but not really happy. My Remembering Self only recalled the good times back home. With time I adapted and my Remembering Self became happy for the move. My rational mind adjusted my happiness Reset button and created a Synthetic happiness especially when I chose to recall the evils of Apartheid and the dark sides of living in South Africa. Even when I went back for my African "fix," and I immersed myself in the bush in my old ways of being, this no longer worked for me. I was happy to be in California but it was only later when I developed my love for California that my Experiencing Self began to manifest joy.

ONE ASPECT OF THE EXPERIENCE CAN SPOIL EVERYTHING AND THAT IS WHAT IS REMEMBERED!

According to Kahneman the key to the Remembering Self will depend on
what happened last.
He gives a medical example of two groups having the same procedure that were studied prospectively. The one had a longer procedure so that one would expect their memory to be worse than the group with the shorter one. However, the shorter group ended off with a painful episode (that the longer group also had experienced but earlier on) and this minimized the fact that the procedure was shorter.
This is relevant to remedying grief because a poor experience
can also be superseded by a good one and that will be held in one's memory.

The Ancestors teach;

"be careful of what you taste and where you immerse."

The Ancestors

This has tremendous relevance in terms of keeping ourselves exposed to positive and light vibrations.

TIME IS KEY HERE
i.e. TO REDEEM THE EXPERIENCE BY IMPROVING IT IN THE TIME AFTER.

Kahneman states that money doesn't buy happiness but poverty (in the U.S.A. having less than $60.000 per year) creates misery. Being poor can be superseded in children by a regular routine, love and care and reading bed time stories (so that the end of the day is completed by a happy encounter.)

Perceptions change with loving care.

SUCCESS AND WORK = the Remembering Self

PLAY = the Experiencing Self

Keeping our mouths shut = a good idea

Of all the things one can do, the most important is spiritual practice. It stimulates our Parasympathetic nervous system, (also endorphins, serotonin, oxytocin) and allows us to subordinate Monkey or Narrow Mind to Spacious Mind. Breath work is a quick and easy way to do this especially the exhalation phase which stimulates the Parasympathetic Relaxation Response, increasing our threshold for stress.

In Yoga

UJJHAI or the VICTORIOUS

breath technique which sounds like waves of the ocean, prolongs the exhalation phase. If you are interested look it up on line. It is easy to master and establishes equanimity very quickly.

The idea is to elevate our threshold for stress by subordination our Sympathetic and default Monkey Mind to Parasympathetic and Spacious (or Big) Mind overtones.

"If the head and the body are to be well one begins by curing the soul." Plato

However, sometimes one has to begin with the body. Somatic Psychology dictates that we also attend to our bodies.

Descartes said;

"I think therefore I am."

However, it may be more accurate to say,

I feel therefore I am!